tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89302800197796921812024-02-20T21:30:49.506-08:00ThatWasTheACTAbout: Judgment – Forgiveness – Second Chances • • • • • • • • Dedicated to all who are hurting . . . with the hope of healing, understanding, perspective, letting go and living in the NOW.
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-45643519241418941522057-07-04T00:00:00.003-07:002020-01-07T07:57:45.783-08:00He's ALIVE! - BEEN DEAD; DONE THAT.<h3 class="post-title entry-title">
</h3>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #990000;"><u>FIRSTLY</u></span> > </span></b><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">I
know NO gay people who would EVER have taken my path. My path was a
cumulative effect* of knowing I was gay from the age of six, growing up
in a VERY conservative right-wing family; after three suicide events,
becoming a religious extremist (Charismatic Fundamentalist Christian)
and absorbing the OVER-THE-TOP religious programming which I subjected
myself to -- always knowing my life was hanging from a fragile thread.
Aware that IF I was ever discovered to be who I really was, that thin
thread would snap, causing everything I cared about to come tumbling
down. Everyone has a different cracking point. Some would have cracked
sooner, others later or never. I reached mine after living 34 years on a
thin edge. My husband, never cared about anyone's acceptance - what
happened with me, never would have happened with him.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #b3a2c7; font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-style-textfill-fill-alpha: 100.0%; mso-style-textfill-fill-color: #B3A2C7; mso-style-textfill-fill-colortransforms: "lumm=60000 lumo=40000"; mso-style-textfill-fill-themecolor: accent4; mso-themecolor: accent4; mso-themetint: 153;">* <span style="font-size: small;">It
was much more than that I am gay, it WAS my hardline - things are black
or white upbringing, ultra-conservative political views, extremist
religious beliefs and that I over-emphasized the importance of the era
and culture I held up as the benchmark of how to be. - Every parent can question, "Which would you rather have, a gay son -OR- a dead son? — Th</span></span></span><span style="color: #741b47; font-size: 1em;">at's always another option. </span><span style="color: #741b47;"> - </span></div>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: small;"> I was wrong. I had mental problems and I went off the deep end. </span></span><br />
<div class="MsoBodyText2">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: small;">What
made me go off the deep end are NOT justifications or excuses. The dam
broke. When it is investigated why the dam broke and then the reason why
is discovered, it is NOT a justification/excuse for not doing whatever
it was that could have been done to secure the dam. I speak my "WHY" so
that others will be true to their real selves and thereby avoid breaking
(or even getting into the 'damn' situation in the first place). Not
being true to self (eventually) always results in collateral
damage...which is wrong and painful for all involved.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText2">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: small;"> I am humbly & greatly sorry for all the harm my damn situation brought to everyone.</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: yellow; font-family: "; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal; letter-spacing: .6pt; mso-ansi-language: en-us; mso-bidi-font-family: " "franklin gothic medium" "," sans-serif;">"</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal; letter-spacing: .6pt; mso-ansi-language: en-us; mso-bidi-font-family: " "franklin gothic medium" "," sans-serif;">Why Leave & Return 17 Years Later?</span><span style="color: yellow; font-family: "franklin gothic medium" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal; letter-spacing: 0.6pt;">"</span><span style="font-family: "; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal; letter-spacing: .6pt; mso-ansi-language: en-us; mso-bidi-font-family: " "franklin gothic medium" "," sans-serif;"> </span></b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal; letter-spacing: .6pt; mso-ansi-language: en-us; mso-bidi-font-family: " "franklin gothic medium" "," sans-serif;">can be found under the heading 'Understanding' <span style="font-size: small;">(<span style="font-family: ";">scroll down just a bit)</span></span>.</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";">At 3:57pm MST
Wednesday, April 7th, 2010, I was declared to be legally alive - after
being declared dead on March 6, 1997. Today, the 8th, the
process of truly becoming 'the un-dead' with various governmental
agencies begins.</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";">Here is the statement read in Court yesterday after being declared un-dead:</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;">It doesn’t happen often; every time some one returns from the dead – someone has something to say about it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #a64d79;"></span>
<span style="color: #a64d79;">It’s as though I stepped out of an alternate universe, where I was fully
accepted as the gay male I’ve always been, into another’s world; having
to deal with issues left by another man.</span><br />
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #a64d79;">That other man was so angry about being gay that he lost his family and friends. I
was so busy being angry about it; I didn’t realize what I had. I was
wrong.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-size: medium;"><b>The bigger our mistakes, the greater our possibilities for learning. To learn from our mistakes is </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-size: medium;"><b>THE WAY.</b></span> <span style="color: #a64d79;">Now learned.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2-sxbDLhIYXHYBd3o-iMTEqxQ_rKz8kY9CzWJ6d8JvBUAiSBblTGEX0bGqETd_BQTyk1sun7JrSGprpxt_O0EVUekS_T3RlkU_AJvzNYXSuqgzEVY1qvyvucK2pt5w-gNSmYyTD4Dg098/s1600/(NoneOfUsAre+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2-sxbDLhIYXHYBd3o-iMTEqxQ_rKz8kY9CzWJ6d8JvBUAiSBblTGEX0bGqETd_BQTyk1sun7JrSGprpxt_O0EVUekS_T3RlkU_AJvzNYXSuqgzEVY1qvyvucK2pt5w-gNSmYyTD4Dg098/s640/(NoneOfUsAre+.jpg" width="482" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pen & Ink Poster</span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-64971125741659302292057-07-04T00:00:00.001-07:002020-01-29T22:12:19.108-08:00WHY Leave & Return 17 Years Later?<h3 class="post-title entry-title">
</h3>
<div class="post-header">
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<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="font-size: 85%;"><span style="color: #a64d79;">A "MISS-MATCH" of notes to relay my thoughts to
my Family as I first met them. This compilation of thoughts was prepared
over many months to be able to stay composed while relaying what
happened and why to each person directly. This was
never intended to be read by others before meeting them
personally. This is included here to help begin a bridge of
understanding.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b><span style="color: #cc6600;">THIS NOVEL IS BETTER READ IN SEGMENTS.</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
</span><b>** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
</span><b>No one lives in a bubble & my returning
impacts lives that are multifaceted…filled with challenges. There is an inequity in my appearance: I was able to spend months
preparing mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and in
every other way I could conceive of, for my return – no one else
had that opportunity. Everyone else needs time to come to terms with my
return – on their schedule and to process it as they see fit. The purpose in returning
is to end pain, bring closure and hopefully provide an opportunity for healing.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
</span><b>It took 34 years to break from unhealthiness – it took 17 more years to get healthy.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span></span><span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: 85%;">Below are snippets from
many notes which have been moved into place at different sittings – a
compilation; not a coherent piece.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #990000; font-size: 180%;">ELM disappeared June 30, 1991</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="font-size: 130%;">Why?</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>This is written
not to justify actions – only to help understand the mindset at the time
the drastic turn in my life road was made (understanding is NOT agreement). In the movie, "It's a
Wonderful Life," we're shown what life roads others would have taken had
Jimmy Stewart's character NOT been in their lives. The lie (life) I was
leading was not wonderful and my leaving was not a premonition – it did
occur and we each took unique life roads thereafter. I am not returning
to justify the road I chose. I am here in hopes your life roads will end
happier and for everyone's closure.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>The feelings, fears, shame and self-hatred that facilitated the actions
taken 17 years ago were strong enough then to drastically affect my weaknesses and decisions. An apology for the pain caused all may appear insensitive and
futile. None-the-less, </b></span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>any apology is better than
none. </b></span>I do apologize knowing what I did to 'save' myself, caused so much
pain and there was absolutely no intention to cause others any pain. My actions were selfish; in an
attempt to end my pain.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>I didn't know what gay meant, though I knew I was 'that' when I was in First Grade. </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>(You
may not understand how it could be; neither can I. Nor do I understand
why I'm the only one in my family with hazel eyes. There is no one to
blame for the attribute that so
affected my being and the lives touched by mine.) Growing up my anger
increased knowing I was different and definitely not accepted. I went to
great lengths to try to be what was expected (accepted). At 13, I
became a zealot Christian in hopes of exorcising the 'evil' from within. I gave
it my all, made it through my teenage years and married young in hopes
that following the norm would make me 'normal'. I believed the
programming: "I could not have possibly been made this way." I hated
whatever it was that made me gay. By not liking who I was inside, I
could not possibly like me. Our family's close friends, the Tuner's son committed suicide at a young age. I watched the grief and vicariously
saw myself in his coffin. </b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #38761d;">After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.</span></span><b> </b></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>He honestly stopped me from going through with
the three times I got close: I climbed to the top of a High
Mountain and stood crying at the edge of a cliff, held a knife over my tear soaked wrist
and looked at a loaded gun in my hands while bawling.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>Becoming a
Christian opened me to furthering my
internal damnation; confirming the programming I received that I was not
made gay. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>The turmoil inside periodically surfaced in demanding, inflexible and angry behavior</b> ("macho-ism")<b> – covered as much as possible with great wearing energy</b> (disguised as goofy, funny – anything but what it was)<b>.
My father often peered at me and wondered what was going on inside my
unstable mind; seeing through my shallow surface 'stability'. My entire
life had been devoted to over-compensating to making my father and others proud. After having
accomplished it in general, I lived under the constant threat (fragile thread) of losing
it.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>I lived in
constant fear of discovery and invested huge amounts of energy to assure
that no one would EVER know. For 34 years, I lived with a 7 second
delay from my mind outward to my extremities. Running everything thought and
action through a hetero-filter to make sure what came out would NEVER
appear to be gay. I literally discussed it with no one – not my closest
friend – no one. None of my friends had any hint of my being gay. It was
very lonely inside…and no one could visit. Time and circumstances did
not change the color of my skin. In fact, the more time passed, the more
unbearable the lie became.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>Throughout
growing up, I constantly received the message, when I saw that my
friends, family and their friends shunned/disowned others for not
fitting in, and the mortal sin was to ever do anything that may bring
shame to the family. These possibilities loomed over me constantly.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>My life
eventually unraveled and divorce was imminent. I was spinning downward
as I was unsuccessfully attempting to keep up appearances. I left on a
trip to secure a professional designation. While on the trip, I was
robbed of all but my clothes. I broke into many pieces; weak, instead of attempting to put my life back
together, I woke up the next day and decided not to. That morning I
literally tossed everything and left to Mexico. My greatest fear was
turned inside-out – I simply beat everyone to the punch and left my
life, family and friends.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>How could I
rationalize leaving my family, friends and career? I could not and can not. I can only relay now that I felt I was on the
edge of a mental breakdown for years…I committed emotional suicide. <u>I
reasoned that no one</u> <u>'really'</u> <u>knew me and if they did</u>, <u>they wouldn't
want to</u>. I did not want to fight anymore
(<i>my whole life had been an internal fight – I was escaping that as
much as anything else</i>). I especially did not want to fight with my
soon-to-be EX about how our children were to be raised. I truly believed
she and they would be better off with me out of the picture than me
interfering with her methods, which I very much disagreed with.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: 78%;"></span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>I had already
handed myself a failing grade as a father and did not want to imprint
any more negative images. I remember a few imprinted angers:</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>As a toddler, <span style="font-size: 130%;">E</span>
kept kicking and crying because she didn't want to sleep in the bed
designated for her at her grandparents' cabin. I got exasperated &
lost it in front of my wife <span style="font-size: 130%;">A</span>; grabbing <span style="font-size: 130%;">E</span> out of bed and stomping down the stairs to the outside – all the while <span style="font-size: 130%;">A</span> was following us while I was spanking <span style="font-size: 130%;">E</span>'s behind (thank God she had diapers on). I scared (scarred) her and myself.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><b>K at roughly 4/5
fell into a large public pool and I forcefully grabbed her arm to pull
her out, very angry for her 'stupidity' in falling in…and scolded her for not staying close by my side. Again, scaring (scarring)
both of us.</b></span></div>
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><b>*</b></span><span style="color: #ffccff;"><br />
</span><b>A photographer was en route to our home to take family photos
& JTM was unwilling to dress as I envisioned he should. I was
stressed because it was the same day of the City parade which I had been
in and I had to walk home from it in new unfitting boots because A
assumed I had gotten a ride. I let out my fury, pushing JTM up against
the wall. I scared me as much or more than
him.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">*</span><br />
</span><b>For years, I mourned the losses. I did not attempt to contact
anyone so that all who once knew the person they thought was me, could
get over me. The more time that passed, confirmed how awful it would be
to reintroduce myself and reopen unexplained wounds that I hoped had
long since healed. Why come back now? <u>Before I die</u>, <u>I want those I
love to know the real me: who they loved</u>. <u>Blue eyes are not the norm;
yet, they are normal</u>. <u>Being gay is not the norm; yet, it is normal</u>. <u>I
cannot justify gayness anymore than one can 'justify' hetero-ness.
Explain why some are attracted to blondes and others are attracted to
brunettes</u>. <u>No one questions it</u>. <u>If 'gayness' were a non-issue, none that
occurred would have.</u></b></span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="color: #ffccff;">*<br />
</span></span></div>
<img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5268564671703634770" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyYf_lRMQRJhyUl37saQMuwfrU1FTOgSN2ZbM66XJDDRCHeJax0_BpcblIIGA4L4S4bYBOc4lpTzWtcICqA5p1HoichjuRT1aQvxqER2AZz8R4Dq8IeLEgARxZ-6Dv_hdCrOCV834Eqq3v/s200/ME2.bmp" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 200px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 104px;" /> <br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: 85%;">I was a 'happy' child (hidden behind a fence I erected to protect my true self).</span></span> </div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #ffccff;">*</span></div>
<br />thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-9221460399516803432057-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:002013-07-05T07:34:37.780-07:00It Took 17 Years to Become Healthy & Whole<div class="post-header">
</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I was mentally
ill; incapacitated by 34 years of careful hiding in a fundamentalist’s
life and with a wife I did not like. Hiding from an inherited trait for
which family, yourself and others reject you. Is it any less than
rejecting a child for any other inherited attribute . . . blue eyes,
dyslexia, intelligence, a weak heart? The turmoil of believing all my
life that I was condemned for who I know myself to be had pushed me
through a crack in my miserable life. Once through the crack, I believed
that there was no going back. I felt it would be cruel to subject those
I Love to my return. I thought they had put me to rest; in returning, I
found that they had not. It took me nearly seventeen years to become
healthy and whole. My purpose for returning is not to leave. I would not
have returned to leave.</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-52486982325726535462057-07-03T00:30:00.000-07:002014-03-23T11:28:15.054-07:00My Life and relationship with A...<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">My Life and relationship with my 'should-be'-life-wife</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">* was mentally unhealthy.</span><span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">Our emotional/ego vibrations were on the same wavelength so we attracted what became of us. We were addicted to power & anger - we fed off of them and like all addictions, they destroyed us.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">It feels so good to be mentally healthy after too many decades of mental illness.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">*It was <u>my mistake</u> to marry her (I was not true to myself).</span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">What I LOVE about my 'should-be' wife:</span><br />
<ul><span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">She can be fun</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">She is smart (when not motivated by anger)</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">She has a good sense of humor</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">She cares for our girls</span></li>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">She is tenacious</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">*</span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></b>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-65960213771599898312057-07-02T00:30:00.000-07:002015-09-14T14:56:39.986-07:00The Problem is not with the judged.<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">It's time to realize that <u>the problem is not with the judged -- it's with the judge.</u></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">"Why would someone that large wear that outfit?"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">"Old men, should not wear shorts."</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">"People with deformities or skin discolorations, or ANYTHING THAT MAKES 'ME' UNCOMFORTABLE, should cover them up."</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;">When seen in print, is it any more absurd than when heard?</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_rdii86SCf3EeKbPZBISy437dje6cx9i9DdLiR1brT0OnmrNDgozdWol0r872puKtIIz1pPiVVyYJtVLS6yVn27e797qP4DOpojpgdV7atNxE_7efNR_4T-QrY2dthNSEjKBLYjBHVAZ9/s1600/GodHatesGaysAsMuchAs...+BUMPER+STICKER.PubRes+-+Adobe+-+Copy+-+Copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="116" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_rdii86SCf3EeKbPZBISy437dje6cx9i9DdLiR1brT0OnmrNDgozdWol0r872puKtIIz1pPiVVyYJtVLS6yVn27e797qP4DOpojpgdV7atNxE_7efNR_4T-QrY2dthNSEjKBLYjBHVAZ9/s400/GodHatesGaysAsMuchAs...+BUMPER+STICKER.PubRes+-+Adobe+-+Copy+-+Copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This Bumper Sticker Says It Perfectly</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">CONTACT ME IF YOU'D LIKE ONE.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-12165467776022008402057-07-01T00:30:00.000-07:002015-09-14T14:46:40.403-07:00From ABC's Desperate Housewives TV Series - Season 5<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>"You hate me. You're still punishing me for what happened between us. You're stuck in the past; <u>blaming me for all the ails in your life</u>."</b></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>*</b></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>"...nothing worse than losing a child. There is nothing you said that could have made me think less of myself. I knew that they'd <span style="font-size: x-small;">[my daughters]</span> be better without me."</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b>*</b></span><br />
<div align="left">
</div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-78472203303540471902057-06-30T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T11:55:22.619-07:00We all seek validation every day. It is an essential psychological need of every person.<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"> </span></b><br />
<div style="color: #cc0000;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">For example, when you are at work and make a
comment during a meeting, you want to know that you were heard by those
present. They don't have to agree with you (although agreement can be
perceived as even more validating), just hear what you had to say. To
take this example a step further, imagine speaking up at a meeting and
in the middle of your comment, someone else starts talking. That would
be experienced as invalidating, and you would probably attempt to make
your comment again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">When you come home from work that night, you
tell your partner about your day. If he ignores you, falls asleep while
you're talking, or immediately starts talking about his day, you'll
likely feel further dismissed and invalidated. What you want from your
partner at that moment is recognition....</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">The only type of
validation that really counts...is authentic validation. ... When we are
validated for a pretense, the validation is hollow, baseless, it's not
at all satisfying. ...when a gay man presents a false, inauthentic self
to the world and is subsequently validated for the facade, he feels
hollow....</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b>My facade of accomplished success </b>(with a cloak of happiness)<b> was hollow. I knew it and spent all my energy trying to make sure that no one else did.</b></span><b><span style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></b></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">* </span></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-62914219775962207542057-06-29T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-29T08:31:17.320-07:00Isolation Kills (emotionally or eventually physically)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">"...isolation makes us sick and may even kill us. Isolation is NOT the absence of people around us; it is a feeling of being lonely and disconnected, somehow left outside of the "whole". A study of 2,320 male survivors of heart attacks showed that...lonliness was leading predictor of early death." </span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 85%;">W.Ruberman, et al. 'Pschosocial Influences on Mortality After Mycocardial Infarction'</span> <b> ...connection increases longevity...</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfEQkgrI8V5Wi2W_1Y67h-1q8ViBD6mohYhJo0wx3W5spji-6xJH_OuGwww4nJLGcSg5zwF4blRQdWQy-cebN14kCIDDX8GR1o8_7LLLPYdpQMFSn-DB4I1zB3b5P26OHqMyLyP8FAhAD6/s1600/(ToFeelWelcomed+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="340" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfEQkgrI8V5Wi2W_1Y67h-1q8ViBD6mohYhJo0wx3W5spji-6xJH_OuGwww4nJLGcSg5zwF4blRQdWQy-cebN14kCIDDX8GR1o8_7LLLPYdpQMFSn-DB4I1zB3b5P26OHqMyLyP8FAhAD6/s400/(ToFeelWelcomed+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pen & Ink Poster</span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-18406588612039554582057-06-28T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T11:59:10.849-07:00What Happened to Begin the Return?<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>More of WHY</u></span>: </span></b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">My life further blew apart with the 2005 arrival of the Mexican Caribbean hurricane Wilma. She took everything I had that I was hanging onto after losing the love of my life in 2002. For months, I sat on the beach and starred from 11 in the morning until midnight contemplating how far I could swim out and become too tired to swim back. I spent countless hours on the internet researching how to 'off' myself with the least personal impact on me. I was afraid of me and self-prescribed anti-depressants. </span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: verdana;">>>>> WHAT FOLLOWS ARE THE TWO FAXES SENT 2+ YEARS APART WHICH WERE THE INITIAL CONTACT (12+ YEARS AFTER I DEPARTED [in 2003 & 2005]) <span style="color: #a64d79;">and below the faxes are emails sent to the one family member who responded.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">You can see, initially I argued that it would be wrong to return. <i><u>Over the next 2 years of communication by email, "WC"</u> (<u>who</u> <b><u>pretended</u></b> <u>to</u> <u>be</u> <u>my</u> <u>Father</u>)</i> convinced me otherwise.</span>*</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #993399; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #741b47;">The 1st FAX (sent in 2003) was set-up to look like I had written it before I left and that maybe someone else sent it on my behalf 12 years after my departure. This 1st FAX was all I ever intended to send;</span> <span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #38761d;">After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.</span></span><b> </b></span></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #993399; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #741b47;">never to be heard from again. Many events lead to my creating the 2nd FAX and sending it 2 years later (in 2005). There was never any response to the 1st, in that I gave no contact info. The 2nd FAX revealed that I was alive and did give a means to make contact (the reason for including a copy of the 1st FAX with the 2nd, was to convince the recipient that I was the same sender). After the 2nd FAX, I received a response many months after it was sent (I believe the contact was prompted due to an email that got through after sending to hundreds of possible e-dresses for my father, hoping one would reach him; then our communication continued for over 2 years before my return in October 2007). The reason for the odd Heading (“Conceived by…”) was to intrigue whatever secretary recipient may receive the FAXes to make sure that they got the FAX to "My Father's First Name".</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-size: 85%;">Items in "quotes" were proper names – removed for this BLOG.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">FIRST FAX * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL TO: "My Father's Name" </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Conceived by: "Your Mother's Full Maiden Name" & "Your Father's Full Given Name" </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">FAX: "444-999-0000" </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">DATE: Originally intended to be on sent: June 30, 1991.</span> <span style="font-family: verdana;">Note Pasted with the SECOND FAX > > SENT OVER OVER TWO YEARS AGO (in 2003) TO THE ABOVE FAX #.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">RE: The following includes facts & assumptions ></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It is way over due. Decide if it is worth it to mend the afflictions placed on your remaining boys.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">Your boys could not gain your favor*, while witnessing it as a given for their sisters. Like "My Mother's First Name", you could have loved & given your approval* to the boys in the same way you did to the girls - simply because they were yours. You expected the best from your girls & received it. You reaped what you sowed with your boys.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">By the degradation of "My Mother's First Name", you taught your boys a lesser view of women. Would you have wanted your sons-in-law to treat their wives as you treated yours?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">You ruled with your "Your Mother's Maiden Name" temperament; all felt its volatility & feared its power over you (revealed even when you were mad at yourself). You needed help & never sought it. It is unknown if you had conquered your "Your Mother's Madness", how much less turmoil would have passed through to your offspring...& between your children while they were developing.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">Your eldest son (with the greatest drive &, if nurtured, the most like you) is disabled by insecurity because of your shame. The youngest, (the brightest, who as a child was caught for nearly every infraction [Ever consider - he did no more than the others - he sought your precious attention - bad or good]) became an under-achiever because of your shame. The sensitive one, chose death (after years of over-achievement, seeking to overcome the inevitable shame he would endure when you found him to be like your father, who though quite handsome, married a homely girl [who liked him] for cover), knowing your approval* was unattainable.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">The sensitive one took note how family meant nothing when your "favorite niece" had to choose between you & her husband; when you approved of the neighbors' disowning "A Neighbor's Daughter" because of her behavior; when in your "black book", all your affection, attention & emotion were withheld; when you shed no tears at the memorial service of your sensitive father...to name a few. TO NAME A FEW MORE: WHEN AT 6, I WAS AWOKEN EARLY MORNING TO GO TO INDIAN GUIDES. I WAS GROGGY & SAID THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GO. YOU SAID, "FINE, THEN YOU'RE OUT OF INDIAN GUIDES!" I CONTINUED TO NAP & THEN IT HIT ME WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED. I JUMPED UP TO GET READY AND YOU LEFT WITH "MY OLDER BROTHER'S NAME"; WITHOUT ME. WELL, THAT ONE TIME SURELY WOULD HAVE TAUGHT ME A LESSON. BUT, YOU REALLY MEANT IT, I WAS THEREAFTER OUT OF INDIAN GUIDES (I WAS 6 !!). -- WHEN I WAS THE ONE, AT 13, WHO HAD TO BE THE ADULT & SET AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR SECRETARY TO TALK WITH YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM THAT NIGHT, TO TRY TO RESOLVE THE FACT THAT WE HAD NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER IN MONTHS & ACTUALLY IGNORED EACH OTHER WHILE IN THE SAME HOUSE. THERE WERE EVEN TIMES WE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER AND DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT. I SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH & FACED YOU AND SAID, "I AM NOT GOING TO CRY, LIKE I ALWAYS DO, BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU. I THINK I HATE YOU." I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED IF MY SON HAD SAID THAT. AND YOU SIMPLY SAID, "I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">You have spent your life expecting others to adapt to your ways & you have been insensitive to others' characters & ways. Of course, your attitudes affected the sensitive one the most. He knew you would not cry at his memorial service if you knew he was like your father. He chose to die & at least have you cry before you knew - somehow (though falsely placed), that amounted to the approval* he never received.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">You emasculated your boys; then wondered why they did not turn out how you had hoped. You should have only had girls. Too late. Give your remaining boys the unequivocal love & approval* your girls received? These are not to be reserved & only spent when you are pleased. You can stubbornly say (as you have for all your years) that your approval* is not deserved. Love & Approval/*Acceptance for who one is, family membership, personal value & existence are deserved.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #4c1130;">A number of your errors could have brought that dreaded shame to the family name. Maybe the name was/is not as valuable as mending the shame. You need not share this with anyone, but like Ebenezer Scrooge, you need to wake up before it is too late for all involved. You have withheld your approval long enough. This lacking has caused damage only you can mend. Your illegitimate (Dictionary: 2nd & 3rd definition) son.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #993399;">SECOND FAX <span style="color: #660000;">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">- PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL - </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">TO: "My Father's Name" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Conceived by: "Your Mother's Full Maiden Name" & "Your Father's Full Given Name" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">FAX: "444-999-0000" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">DATE: August 28, 2005</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #993399;"><br />
<span style="color: black;">RE: YOU DECIDE WHAT IS BEST</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">I was suicidal from 13 on because of it (I knew at 6, I was this way). I so wanted to be like I was conditioned to be, but, I was/am not. I became a fanatical right-wing Christian at 13 in an attempt to be exorcised; and tried as best as I could to put on a "normal" life - marrying someone who adored me and even having children in an attempt to be what I "should be". You always knew I was a bit off - now, you know why - I was living a lie. I did not hate myself, but I hated my life. That's why I killed my life instead of me. Many times I felt that killing me would be easier on you - but I didn't love you more than I loved who I knew I was inside. (In-fact, three different times I went to kill myself & told no one because I did not want anyone to stop me. I made it through those times because I came to the conclusion then, that I hated my life; not me. One time, I climbed "Our Local High" Mountain by myself and stood on the edge of the cliff crying; another time I held a gun in my hands and another, a knife.)</span><span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
I do believe it would kill Mom, damage "My Daughters" (more than they already are) and drastically affect all sorts of interrelationships among everyone. No good would come of it. I was then so naive to think her love could change me; just like I hoped intense religion would. "My Older Brother" & I healed our tumultuous childhood relationship. He is so homo-phobic that he would hate me all over again. The boys would never get past it.</span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
Nothing is accomplished re-hashing what has occurred since my "life-death". I do not want to know what/who happened after June 30, 1991, it would only increase pain & loss. A very heavy price has been paid. The purpose here is to put to rest - once and for all - the results of my being the previous "apple-of-your-eye" son who knew at any moment that I may become the bane of your existence. I LEFT TO AVOID BECOMING THAT BANE. I do love you enough to hope this does not kill you - I have experienced death enough already - it's not good. I don't want others to have to suffer again with my life, after they went through the experience of my death.</span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
I cannot go on as I have. 9-Eleven has made having no identity so much tougher, and getting work since 9-Eleven is nearly impossible. I have gone as long as I can (hurricane Wilma was the last straw -- I lost everything); now I am desperate and destitute. I am willing to come out of hiding. Yet I continue to believe, it is best for all of those from my past, that I do not. That is why I made no attempt to contact other than, after over 12 years after my disappearance, the first FAX to you on behalf of "My Older Brother" & "My Younger Brother". I have lived 49 years with this knowledge - you won't have to live with it for that long. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
It's time you know what made me (what caused the chronic deep hidden tension / fear / anger). Time passes quickly when you look back on it. I have now been gone nearing 15 years. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
I do, & have known always, that I do not fit within your love - it is easier for all this way. The crying stopped a long time ago.</span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">*** ** *** *** ** *** *** ** ***</span><br />
<span style="color: #993399;"><b>Eventually, because of no response and in absolute desperation, I wrote a very descriptive email about who I was and what had happened and sent it to nearly 200 possible email addresses for one of my relatives. I repeated the process months apart for 3 or 4 times and after 9 months, I received one response. Communication responses thereafter were spaced 1 to 2+ months apart (over two years) and understandably, at times they were quite tense.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #000099;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #000099;">BELOW HERE ARE EDITED EXCERPTS FROM THE EMAILS I SENT TO THE 200 POSSIBLE EMAIL ADDRESSES FOR ONE OF MY RELATIVES:</span> <br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">I have seen how one can decide not to deal with loved ones because their lives do not mesh. That is what came to a head with me after 34 years and the shock of a mugging while I was in San Diego on the eve of June 30, 1991. I lived in hiding all those years before; these past 14 years have been a continuation of hiding, just, not from me. It is a shame that gay is an issue at all. Hetero is not an issue. We don't care who heteros better relate to relationally, who they love, are attracted to, what they do or don't do.... If it were a non-issue, there would be so much less suicide, broken families, attempted cover-ups, mismatches....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***</span> <br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">YOU CAN DECIDE if it would do as much damage as I think it would for others to know after they have gone through the healing of my passing - to fall back on my actually being alive - the anger, shame, embarrassment, re-hashed sadness, loss, abandonment, hatred. The same trauma I felt growing up knowing who I was, was not good enough to be loved for being me (I over-achieved to compensate, hoping that would win-over acceptance/love). I was abandoned long before I left, because I knew I had to spend my life acting, to avoid experiencing the anger, shame, embarrassment, sadness, loss, abandonment, hatred. I've lived with all of that inside me - it wasn't worth my dying inside. I do not believe it is worth subjecting others to my re-birth/re-death.<br /><br />
I HOPE YOU BELIEVE THAT WHAT I DID, I DID IN HOPES IT WOULD BRING YOU LESS SHAME THAN THE OTHER OPTIONS. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
I do believe it could kill my Mom, damage E & K (more than they already are) and drastically affect all sorts of interrelationships among everyone. No good would come of it. Sadly, I was so naive as to think A's love could change me; just like I hoped intense religion would. J & I healed our tumultuous childhood relationship. He is so homophobic that he would hate me all over again. The boys would never get past it.</span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***</span> <br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">It's time you know what made me (what caused the chronic tension/fear/anger) & I also know you have secrets (we all do) you've been able to keep now for __ years. Time passes quickly when you look back on it. I have now been gone nearing __ years. <br /><br />*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***</span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"> <br />
JUST LIKE THE CHILD WHO IS SMALLER THAN HIS FRIENDS, WHO IS NOT THE RIGHT COLOR, WHO HAS THE "WRONG" NOSE - OVER TIME, THE CHILD LEARNS TO REJECT HIMSELF BECAUSE OF HIS DIFFERENCE - EVEN THOUGH HE DID NOTHING TO INFLUENCE THE DIFFERENCE. GAY PEOPLE LEARN TO REJECT THEMSELVES BECAUSE SOCIETY REJECTS THEIR DIFFERENCE - EVEN THOUGH THEY DID NOTHING TO INFLUENCE THE DIFFERENCE. <br /><br />In seventh grade, my first infatuation committed suicide because of it.</span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"> <br /><br />
TELL ME HOW IT IS ANY DIFFERENT THAN: THE OPPRESSION OF A RULER STIPULATING WHAT RELIGION MUST BE PRACTICED. HOW ONE MUST ACT WITHIN THE CASTE SYSTEM. HOW THE MISSIONARIES EXPECTED THE INDIANS TO HAVE SEX IN THE ACCEPTABLE 'MISSIONARY' POSITION. IN A HETEROSEXUALLY RULED SOCIETY, THAT STIPULATES WHAT YOU MUST BELIEVE ABOUT LOVE & HOW ONE MUST ACT TO BE ACCEPTED WITHIN THEIR HETERO-SOCIETY & EVEN WHAT KIND OF SEX IS ACCEPTABLE?</span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
If I could have chosen to be anything else, I would have. Why would I choose to have my life ruined? Did my life fall apart because I was gay? This might cause someone to say, "Well, why did you choose to be gay? If you had chosen to be hetero; then your life wouldn't have fallen apart." OK, what if that were reversed? If your life fell apart because you were hetero, could you choose to be gay; then, wouldn't your life fall apart if you tried to be gay? I tried to be hetero and that's why my life fell apart. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
POLITICALLY, THERE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A "GAY AGENDA". BUT THERE IS - TO STOP OPPRESSION - DICTATING HOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL TOWARDS THE OPPOSITE SEX. PROPONENTS OF THE OPPRESSION STATE THAT THE OPPRESSION IS DESERVED BECAUSE BEING GAY IS BY CHOICE; MY BEING GAY WAS ANYTHING BUT CHOICE; I REJECTED MYSELF FOR THIRTY FOUR YEARS AND DID EVERYTHING TO TRY TO BE WHAT I "SHOULD" BE. EVEN IF BEING GAY WAS BY CHOICE (which to me, is absurd), IS IT ACCEPTABLE FOR CATHOLICS TO OPPRESS THOSE WHO CHOOSE NOT TO BE? IS IT OK TO OPPRESS ANY SEGMENT OF SOCIETY SIMPLY BECAUSE ITS CHOICE IS NOT TO BE LIKE THE MAJORITY? THAT IS HOW GEORGE W. BUSH JUSTIFIES. IS IT EVEN "RIGHT" TO TELL ANYONE THAT THEY MUST BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE? WE MAY FEEL GREAT ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX AND SIMPLY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM SEXUALLY; THAT'S WRONG? COULD IT BE AS ABSURD AS SUGGESTING THAT ALL MEN "SHOULD BE" SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO BLONDES WITH BIG BOOBS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE MEN WHO LIKE LATINO WOMEN, CHINESE WOMEN?</span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***</span> <br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">THERE WERE TIMES IN MY LIFE THAT YOU THOUGHT I SHOULD GET SOME HELP. I FEARED GETTING IT BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT WOULD COME OUT OF IT. OVER THE PAST __+ YEARS, I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH WHO I ALWAYS WAS & WHO I SHOULD BE. KNOW ALSO THAT INSTEAD OF SUICIDE, I DID WHAT I DID - WHICH HAD THE SAME EFFECT. SUICIDE IS A POOR CHOICE, BUT AT THE TIME ONE CHOOSES SUICIDE, IT FEELS LIKE THE ONLY WAY. ONCE MY SUICIDE WAS CHOSEN, THE ONLY WAY FOR IT TO WORK & TO HELP OTHERS MOVE ON WAS TO LEAVE FOREVER. I FAILED AT THAT FALSE LIFE. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***</span> <br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">In your last note, you mentioned “Fester” and I agreed. The poison must be removed. <br /><br />
Your poison for me is because of what I did that resulted in what’s happened over these past __ years; my poison is for what was done the prior 34. What I did, I did once – yes, with ripple effects. I did not do it against anyone. I did it to end the constant strain, pain, anger (My Mother always knew I had this pent-up anger inside…but did not know from where it emanated), and to end the life I was leading. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
Again from the book I quoted before: "I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
We would not be having this ‘dialogue’ if I had done what 10s of thousands of gay boys do in their teens – end it permanently; though I did come close three times. I have been to that point quite a number of times in my “happy life” before I ended “that life”. On the way to and including June 30, 1991, I came to that unbearable point for a final death of the me I was. Up to that point, ThatWasTheAct and what everyone believed about me, liked about me, expected of me, was hidden behind A BIG LIE/ the Act…and I couldn’t bear (no longer had the strength) to hide NOR BEAR TO EXPOSE THE LIE AND DESTROY ALL THOSE WHO LOVED THE ACT. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
There is no doubt I was a troubled individual. I lived constantly knowing that my favor/position was always so precarious – knowing if it ever came out, I would embarrass the family and be disowned. Remember the many examples I mentioned that clearly showed how affections and family loyalties were totally dependent on the perception of the individual. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
There is also no doubt that homosexuals are often very homophobic. Hating their sexuality/themselves because they are not like ‘everyone else’, because they have seen how others hate those who are gay and because they hate the deck of cards dealt to them. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
There is no doubt this was my case for 34+ years. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
Before anything more is said and before I know where all of this may lead, I do want you to know that I truly appreciate your being willing to have any form of dialogue. As this progresses, I am sure there will be much ‘poison’ that will surface and I hope that the dialogue will continue despite whatever direction the dialogue may appear to take along the way to a hopeful resolution. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***</span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"> <br />
(Peg it as you will: there was a total breakdown of all I cared about and I jumped out of the window. The thing that assuredly pisses people off is where I landed. If I had splat on the pavement, most would handle it better than knowing that I did not splat; and that is exactly why I made no attempt to make contact for years and years so that those who cared for ThatWasTheAct could live in the illusion of my death and get over the me they thought they knew.) I couldn’t see that I would survive. I was not surviving in the Act. I was dying inside for 34 years with the knowledge I had that would challenge/destroy the knowledge others thought they had of me. <br /><br />
“Secrecy and shame” are first cousins, a former priest and psychologist tells me. “People stay as sick as their secrets are, and institutions stay as sick as their secrets are.” VANITY FAIR Magazine AUGUST 2002 </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
No one but me has lived in my skin. No one can know what I endured, and eventually could not. I wish you could have lived small pieces of the life I lived. I lived a life that no one but me knew I lived. I confided in no one; had no one to share it with. That, in itself, can be unbearable…especially for 34 years! I feared embarrassing you…and at least I did not do that when I committed suicide of the life I was living. </span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /><br />
If you truly want to understand pieces, seek out and talk with gay people who hid from the assured shame for many years before they came out to themselves and accepted themselves as they are: different and acceptable as full persons deserving of acceptance into the complex diversity that makes up the human race. Can you imagine for a second if something so normal (and gay IS normal) as blue eyes was unacceptable simply because it is such a recessive trait, that few have them. There are more gay people on this earth than there are people with blue eyes. Did you ever experience psychological brainwashing - that what you were was reproachful, vulgar, and repulsive? Did you ever experience resistance, oppression, rejection because you have blue eyes? Did you ever feel fear that all you built and cared for would disappear if others discovered you wore brown contact lenses to hide your blue eyes? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #993399;"><span style="color: #741b47;"> </span>
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;">*</span><span style="color: #660000;">* * ** ** * * ** ** * * ** * * ** ** * *</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000;">From: My father's e-dress<br />
To: ELM<br />
Subject: response<br />
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 10:00:03 -0800 (PST)<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
Thinking. Not in shape to travel. Close friend passed away Friday. More thinking to do now.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
<span style="color: #660000;">--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---</span><span style="color: #ffccff;">*</span> <br />
From:</span></span><span style="color: #993399;"><span style="color: #660000;"><span style="color: #993399;"><span style="color: #660000;"> My father's e-dress</span></span> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #993399;"><span style="color: #660000;">To: ELM<br />
Subject: IS SOMETHING WRONG? Are you OK? No Message for 2+ Months.<br />
Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2007 15:59:04 -0700 (PDT)<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
Maybe but I hope not.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
It has been very busy here and have not had or taken the time to think and rethink this. I don't believe that I will travel out of the state any more and maybe only between here and (my summer home) unless someone else will chauffeur.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
I think now it is time to pull the blinders. What do you want at this point in your life? I look at your brothers and sisters (and mother and daughters and sons) and wonder what they will think of me when they find out that I knew this and didn't disclose (or will it go to the grave with me.) It eats at me all the time now. I want the family to be whole and let the chips fall where they may. I have no resentment for what you did; it is now too long gone to harbor such. And I don't believe they will either. At least not your siblings. Let me know where you are (generally or specifically.)<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
So much has happened. And I think you would want to know the history and the future. <br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
<span style="color: #660000;">--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---</span><span style="color: #ffccff;">*</span> <br />
From: ELM<br />
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2007 11:21 PM<br />
To: YOU<br />
Subject: IS SOMETHING WRONG? Are you OK? No Message for 2+ Months. <br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
Dear Dad,<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
Can I call you (in private) some set time plenty in the future<span style="color: red;">*</span> so we can both confirm the exact time we will meet by phone?<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
I would like you to see me in my world to see what I always was (which is not shocking) & have become; then maybe the two of us can decide what the best 'next step' can be. Are you ailing? Do you have health concerns that would prevent you from traveling with a chauffeur?<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
It may be incomprehensible, but my love for all has never wavered. My lifelong FEARs consumed and decided fate.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
There is a 'next step' . . . there has to be some reason for all of this. We may never agree on the reason . . . but there is one that caused life to circle back. True, I would rather have you take it to your grave than to bring harm again to those I love -- including me.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
I promise NOT TO call you at any time other than the mutually agreed upon time<span style="color: red;">*</span> (or I can give you my number with the same understanding).<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
I have sorely missed my family connection for 16 years, my country and also my identity. A man without a family, country or identity - is a tough road. No blame . . . just the way it has been.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
Let me know what baby-steps you'd like to take.<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> <br />
Please believe me if you will:<br />
Love, ELM<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><span style="color: #000099;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #993399;"><span style="color: #660000;"><span style="color: #000099;">THE ABOVE ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ IS THE LAST SNIPPET FROM THE EMAILS</span> <br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">Wilma prompted me to peer under the lid of Pandora's Box. Once the lid was cracked, I pondered the need to reconnect and many times wondered if it was best to let the sleeping dog (in this case, declared dead) lie. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">It took me 50 years, 2 months and 2 weeks to be able to thank the Lord for making me the way He did – gay. I have seen the world through eyes not 'normally' afforded to a white male of good social, mental and physical standing: from the eyes of a much ostracized misunderstood minority. Because of it, I am much more accepting, understanding and appreciative of the whole spectrum of humanity. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">A "chosen" minority? ― Which to me is the epitome of ignorance – why would anyone choose such a societal curse? I spent 34 years doing everything I could NOT to be. The simple fact is I AM. I had nothing to do with my being gay and after fighting what should be obvious to all, a losing battle, I eventually accepted that I was made gay.</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I am at peace with myself and working toward loving myself. EVERYONE on earth would benefit if EVERYONE loved themselves – there would be little strife and all would have the capacity to truly love others. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">It intrigues me how humans can be so against something until the thing they don't understand or are so against, personally touches their 'safe' harbor. One of the women I most admired and respected as a child was so adamantly against abortion until it touched her safe harbor; her high school son got a girl pregnant.Those who don't understand and choose to hate gays (for now); how would it be different if they found out someone they truly love is gay? What if they, themselves were made gay. They could choose to hate themselves (as I did) or they could accept it as a facet of the human experience they we're given to better accept all other facets. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I have been the king of beating myself up. Berating myself with: Where could I be? How different could things have been? What I should have done. I HAVE CONCLUDED, WHAT ACTUALLY DO REGRETS ACCOMPLISH? There is NO WAY to change the past. There is nothing we can do to make what did happen ― NOT happen. "How could yous?" don't change anything. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">We are now in the present (knowing what occurred in the past, brought us here) and have to deal with the here and now. ALL THAT MATTERS NOW is that we are HERE. Where can we go from here? One may feel someone SHOULD pay for all this pain. We all have. It's time to stop the pay with PAIN. I've spent my life paying in wasted pain…and so have others. The purpose, and where we go from here, is to END the PAIN. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">Stepping back and attempting to re-write anything is totally futile. Whether or not we like where we are, how we got here or who did what to influence why we're here is immaterial ― the simple fact is, WE ARE HERE ―and― What are we going to do NOW to head in the direction we want to go? We cannot change where we are; we can only change the direction in which we're headed from this point on. I do not want a life like the past. I want a life hopefully with you, with me as I really am. <span style="font-size: 130%;"><i>Please forgive me for my absence ― not because I deserve it; because you won't have to keep reliving it and healing will occur. </i></span></span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span></b></span><span style="color: #000099;">What follows are the last few communiques prior to my return:</span>-</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #993399;">----Original Message-----<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> </span><span style="color: #741b47;">You'll never know what it is like to live your life as a lie - knowing the love you understand can be retracted immediately should you ever be discovered to be gay.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #ead1dc;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> </span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-10722436131111182492057-06-27T00:30:00.000-07:002014-03-23T11:39:05.836-07:00Why NOW?<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">></span> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">There's no convenient time to die. There's no "right" time to come back from the dead.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">> </span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">Before, I could not have handled it. I hope to be a tool to end pain; bring healing and closure. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">> </span></b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">If I wanted everyone to continue to regard me as they did, I would never have come back. I don't expect anyone to admire or respect what I did. I know I am subjecting myself to judgment for lack of character, intellect, wisdom, maturity…. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">></span> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">No one can attack me more than I attacked myself for 50 years. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">> </span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I am here with my life-long guard down – for you to see me as I am; not as you were previously deceived into believing what you saw was me.</span></b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">(I was aware you liked TheAct and wouldn't like me. You understood TheAct. You wouldn't understand me. TheAct was your known. You didn't know me.)</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> <span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #38761d;">After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.</span></span><b> </b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">></span> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">Maturity – time – life experiences enable us to realize the full extent/consequences of actions we made that affect decisions we'd make now. Before enough of those life experiences are in-hand, choices are made without enough information to realize the full implications. One might know the decision is big, yet not know really how BIG. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">></span> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">No one, including myself, needs to agree that my decision was good – it happened; on that we can agree. Consequences (good, bad, indifferent) are there with every turn of our life road. We can't blame the road we turn on to – we can blame the decision . . . but really, after it is made, what does that accomplish? The consequences are what we have; we can't turn back. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">> </span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I HAVE LEARNED: I am no different than I was before; you just know a secret about me that I hid for years. I was the same when you didn't know. I don't know a major secret you are holding. The fact that you're holding a secret does not stop me from wanting you in my life. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">> </span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><u>An analogy may help some understand that what I did does not indicate a lack of love for those I left behind</u></span>. Picture me in one of the World Trade Towers above where the plane had crashed. The heat is so intense, my skin is dripping from my body & I see an open window. Though my family is in another room above, I jump out of the open window because I can no longer stand the heat. Now, this didn’t happen on 9-11 – but <u>for the sake of the analogy</u>, let's say, my family made it to the roof and a helicopter took them to safety. My jumping out of the window horrifically affected their lives. <u>My jumping was not because I didn't love them; it was because I could not stand my life so intensely at that moment. </u></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">> </span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I didn't come back after a few months had passed because there would never be any 'acceptable' explanation. And this remains true. The difference now is that time does heal and enables us to see the bigger picture – what's really important. <u>The world has changed and in some ways, Americans have seen the damages caused by judgment and prejudices of things we don't understand.</u> I will never be able to convince all that it is NOT a choice. I can only swear by God Almighty that mine was not! Instead of continually rejecting a personal attribute I was given, I have accepted it as an integral part of what makes me the person I am and AM meant to be. I prayed that I was strong and healed enough to handle this. I pray you are too. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">></span> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">The purpose, and where we go from here, is to END the PAIN. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">Lastly, regrets are again futile. I do not regret for one moment the life road that, by the grace of God, blessed the world with E & K and enabled PTM, JTM & RTM to join our family from the Orient. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">></span></span></b> </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #ffccff; font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-78568034965510744082057-06-26T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T12:59:09.662-07:00No Blame - Other than taught messages from an intolerant society.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">My mother has repeatedly asked what she did or didn't do that she 'should' have. This note was written in an attempt to convince her that she not only did nothing, but that no one could ask for a more loving supportive mother than she is.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #ead1dc;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> </span></span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span></div>
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thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-92136716757383291432057-06-25T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:02:02.656-07:00Let All negative feelings (PAST) Go ! ! Or they will be your future.thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-4575608291694124812057-06-24T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:04:20.268-07:00Hopeless Situations Can Bring Much Desired Change<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>"Even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation, facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, may grow beyond himself, and by so doing change himself." </b><span style="font-size: 85%;">(Psychiatrist Victor Frankl)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-27458017789717302452057-06-23T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:07:13.702-07:00Strengths Overshadowed - No More<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">There are times in our lives when our strengths are overshadowed by our weaknesses. This was true of too much of my life when I allowed my strengths to be eclipsed because I felt being gay was my greatest weakness and I had to cover it at whatever cost.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">When we're not true to ourselves, the odds are that a weakness will likely become the cover of our truth. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">I attempted to cover with comic relief yet, I had an anger deep inside because I couldn't possibly be who I really was. The cost was huge while the anger was an ever present tension barely under the surface of nearly everything I undertook.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b></div>
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<br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">My new partner in 1991, one day, after seeing my internal rage directed at an inanimate object, simply said, "Why are you so angry?" That question plagued me and indirectly inspired me to find its answer and to (over a number of years) exercise it from my being. My direction is to let my strengths out-shine my weaknesses and to live Life knowing the connectedness of us all.</span></b></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-60597796792804119572057-06-22T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:09:59.849-07:00What you are is way more powerful than what you used to think you are supposed to be.<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">ELM</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-61185723146519536922057-06-21T00:30:00.000-07:002014-03-23T11:45:05.815-07:00Older & Wiser<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>Who can say that with what they know now, they wouldn't have made the decisions they made when younger and ignorant. <span style="color: #009900;">EVERYONE!</span><br />I can say:</b></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">wouldn</span>’t have accepted a belief system that proposed that ALL who <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">didn</span>’t see things exactly the same (as we did) were wrong and eventually going somewhere other than Heaven.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">wouldn</span>’t have believed it was acceptable to hate myself and others because of differences.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">wouldn</span>’t have thought of killing myself at 13 because I was ‘different’.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> I would have been true to myself and God, fully accepting the attributes God gave me and been appreciative of them – knowing that they add to the flavors of the Universe.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> I would have understood that all good parents simply want their children to find someone to share their love with, be happy and fulfilled. Even if that someone was different than the parents imagined.</b></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> I would have chosen to express love as we are created to without regards for cultural, class, gender and other man-made restrictions (this would have saved many heart-aches).</b></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b><br /><span style="font-size: 130%;">Everyone benefits from time and sought-after wisdom.</span><br />I know now that God is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">sooo</span> much bigger that our limiting concepts/presumptions that try to force Him into a “role” of being perceived by all as “same”. He is thoroughly capable of being perceived differently by all and still BEING. It is quite presumptuous to believe that He wants everyone to see Him the same. As it is now; and always has been, no two people do – even if they think they do.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbK0_p75pHVRP9KkMJWEhJk3q0h4ee9v0-V4gV0o0QKAw_j6W-wk6-GOZon3mT6_vnb_PbrHTRuX9DERjmjXNYpihsTtzRc_mgYfxyZMEhk14FrpioEw9g1sAnR2S8T-OXOo6E05TEZKRf/s1600/(GodDoesNotLookLtd+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbK0_p75pHVRP9KkMJWEhJk3q0h4ee9v0-V4gV0o0QKAw_j6W-wk6-GOZon3mT6_vnb_PbrHTRuX9DERjmjXNYpihsTtzRc_mgYfxyZMEhk14FrpioEw9g1sAnR2S8T-OXOo6E05TEZKRf/s1600/(GodDoesNotLookLtd+.jpg" height="264" width="320" /></a></div>
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thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-53221794871380954882057-06-20T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:13:50.399-07:00Are they any less there?<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">We look at the sky during daylight; the stars are right above us though we cannot see them. Are they any less there? Think of all the things that are there we cannot see, hear, smell, taste - they're still there. The universe within and without is vast. God is even more so.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-1778688837697312012057-06-19T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:27:54.423-07:00"...a man's Soul-Condition cannot be judged...from the external aspect of his life alone."<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">"...a man's entire soul-condition (although it may be known to himself) cannot be judged by another from the external aspect of his life alone. A man may be honest in certain directions, yet suffer privations; a man may be dishonest in certain directions, yet acquire wealth; but the conclusion usually formed that the one man fails because of his particular honesty, and that the other prospers because of his particular dishonesty, is the result of a superficial judgment, which assumes that the dishonest man is almost totally corrupt, and the honest man almost entirely virtuous. In the light of a deeper knowledge and wider experience, such judgment is found to be erroneous. The dishonest man may have some admirable virtues which the other does not possess; and the honest man obnoxious vices which are absent in the other. The honest man reaps the good results of his thoughts and acts; he also brings upon himself the sufferings which his vices produce. The dishonest man likewise garners his own suffering and happiness."</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: 85%;">"<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/world/readfile?fk_files=3275497" target="_blank"><u>As A Man Thinketh</u></a>"</span> © 1937 Chapter 2. 'Effect of Thought On Circumstances' – James Allen</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: 85%;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">EACH OF US DIES BY OUR OWN SWORD.</span></b></span> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-78796313752002226442057-06-18T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:29:52.260-07:00That mentality moved me down many roads.<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I was arrogant -- seeking to defeat others by getting what I wanted before they did - so I could be number one.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>When I wasn't number one, I spent my life thinking like a victim - what had been done <u>to</u> me. That mentality moved me <u>down</u> many roads. NO MORE.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-68488341012914288452057-06-17T00:30:00.001-07:002013-07-19T13:32:35.231-07:00Seeing Isn't Believing<div align="justify">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I've often heard that many can see the same event and see totally different events. Though I understood the concept, until this past year I didn't totally buy it.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">I've written many (what I thought were possitive/uplifting) letters which have been received as aberations. Though the reactions to my intent have been extremely disappointing, I am now totally convinced that one's predilections guarantee that one will see things as one has already determined in their being to see them.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">Being OPEN is a second-by-second option and the possibility of slipping through the OPEN window is minute.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span></div>
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-20113645328256260002057-06-17T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-29T08:37:26.570-07:00YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HATE my perceived enemies, to Love Me.<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Pen & Ink Poster</span></span></span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-77420178233276689942057-06-16T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:35:14.729-07:00It's uncomfortable to question because it takes no effort to continue to believe.<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">It is amazing to look at the things one believes simply because one was told them and never questioned them. It's uncomfortable to question because it takes no effort to continue to believe. So many are simply caught in repeating to themselves what they've heard.</span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
__________ __________ __________<br />
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</span></b><br />
<div class="MsoBodyText">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There is an issue with the power to bring into question the
validity of handed-down-unquestioned beliefs. An issue so strong, that those
who feel it is their place to protect those unquestioned beliefs, must head–off
the issue before others start questioning theirs.</span></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">
</span></b></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Could this be the very reason for the
issue?</span></span></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">
</span></b></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>To cause people to reason that Love
should win-out over unquestioned beliefs that separate people vs. enable people
to accept all in Love.</span></span></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">
</span></b></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That issue is the issue of sameness –
today – homosexuality.</span></span></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Is it a danger to Love</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>-OR-</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Medium","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>to
unquestion beliefs?<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span></span></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Medium","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">^<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Franklin Gothic Medium","sans-serif"; font-style: normal;">I believe this came from the
Human Rights Campaign</span></span></span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-23382821847645939272057-06-15T00:30:00.000-07:002013-08-27T16:33:48.433-07:00Extreme Right Along to Suicide<div align="justify">
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">My views from early on and for decades thereafter, kept me in a place of self-contempt/hate (I could not relate to me). I accept me with all my attributes (sadly, that took over 50 years); yet, I don't understand "it".</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">I am not here to change any one's view. I can only relay my journey and the journeys others have shared with me because of like-challenges. The general views of (previously held by me) extreme 'right' Christians are similar in their message to gays. Views can entrap us, while not changing who we are inside. I've had many discussions with gays who say they felt suicidal because of how those they cared about viewed them.</span></b></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTNQkEAtX7ukys5-2Aq-IGc9Cmh4eapolaQnp-bZov2JM39-0yRUOH0WV2GGEC_9P9tczKiJ7YrTGFsBwE8U_eNMyVWl10E6uty5lEDAcMllRC0dZtkRl2V94xpm66zg3a7aC629N7xnYS/s1600/(JesusBigger+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTNQkEAtX7ukys5-2Aq-IGc9Cmh4eapolaQnp-bZov2JM39-0yRUOH0WV2GGEC_9P9tczKiJ7YrTGFsBwE8U_eNMyVWl10E6uty5lEDAcMllRC0dZtkRl2V94xpm66zg3a7aC629N7xnYS/s400/(JesusBigger+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Pen & Ink Poster</span></span></span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-40959234023806817992057-06-14T00:30:00.000-07:002013-07-19T13:52:53.239-07:00Things I've Learned While Finding - SELF<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>It takes courage to ask for what you want. <span style="font-size: 130%;">Courage is not the absence of fear.</span> It’s doing what it takes despite one’s fear.<br />___ ___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><br /><b>Don’t worry about failure. Worry about <span style="font-size: 130%;">the chances you miss when you don’t even try.</span></b>___ ___<br /><br />This so aptly describes what happened to me:<b> …unable to believe in the future because he didn’t believe in himself. What turned him around? “<span style="font-size: 130%;">A renewed spirituality and people’s faith in me</span>,” he said.</b> (Marcia Evans)<b><br />___ ___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.</b> (Anais Nin)<br /><b>___ ___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><br /><span style="color: #993399; font-family: arial; font-size: 85%;">This took me waaaay toooo loonng to learn:</span> <b>If you try to dominate people, you’re already defeated.</b> (Terry Dobson)<b><br />___ ___</b><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: 130%;">IT’S THE ACTION</span>, not the fruit of the action, <span style="font-size: 130%;">that’s important.</span> You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there’ll be any fruit. But that doesn’t mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> <span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #38761d;">After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.</span></span><b> </b></span></b></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>But if you do nothing, there will be no result.</b> (Gandhi)</span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>___ ___</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>A laugh is a smile that bursts.</b> (Mary H. Waldrip)</span><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>___ ___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b></b></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieE63lFEnNd3HBhfCmgZCbkz9luu1gIj_6mihYm40McEj3yf1a8kskcGFWWK1hWJmlA5RwjL3Tq1ehg9rQW-7D6288Njc0EkIRp2UNCYvf1-L7wafOHGKl4nBgiQJfvFok3VigTJhGTUjr/s1600-h/E,TK%26ROS.couch.bmp"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5268571286704863778" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieE63lFEnNd3HBhfCmgZCbkz9luu1gIj_6mihYm40McEj3yf1a8kskcGFWWK1hWJmlA5RwjL3Tq1ehg9rQW-7D6288Njc0EkIRp2UNCYvf1-L7wafOHGKl4nBgiQJfvFok3VigTJhGTUjr/s320/E,TK%26ROS.couch.bmp" style="cursor: hand; float: right; height: 277px; margin: 0px 0px 10px 10px; width: 320px;" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>THE PERSON I SEE in the mirror<br />IS NOT THE PERSON MY EYES SEE FROM THE INSIDE-OUT. IT IS ALWAYS A SURPRISE TO ME TO SEE THE PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY EYES. INSIDE, I AM STILL A BOY LOOKING OUT AT THE WORLD.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>___ ___ ___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>…dreams are more powerful than facts.<br /><br />"Some Assembly Is Required" To assemble the best that is within you and give it away.<br /><br />In a sense we make up all our relatives, though. Fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and the rest. Especially if they are dead or distant. We take what we know, which isn't ever the whole story, and we add it to what we wish and need, and stitch it together into some kind of family quilt to wrap in our mental couch.<br /><br />We even make ourselves up, fusing what we are with what we wish into what we must become. …a way of using what I am to shape the best that is to come.</b><span style="font-size: 85%;">(Robert Fulghum – "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten")</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;">___ ___ ___</span><br />
<span style="color: #993399; font-family: verdana; font-size: 85%;">The following are wise words paraphrased by my Love, <span style="font-size: small;"><b>S</b></span>, who has helped shape me. <span style="font-size: small;"><b>S</b></span> is more remarkable than anyone (but me) will ever know:</span><br />
<span style="color: #330033; font-family: verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #330033; font-family: verdana;"><b>GROWTH</b><br />We are enrolled in an informal school called Life. Each day we are presented with lessons. Each lesson will be presented to us in various forms until we have learned it. And then we simply move onto the next one. As long as we are alive there will be lessons to learn. Growth is the willingness to examine Life and learn the lessons it has to offer. Growth is a choice – and it is all up to us.<br /><br /><b>LOVE</b><br />Each moment is a choice between love and fear. Choosing love will make you feel uplifted and alive. Choosing fear will make you feel the opposite. Love expands; fear restricts. Some other words that side with love: respect, joy, honesty, kindness, peace, abundance, balance, centerness, inspired, aliveness, beauty. Words that go with fear: expectations, regrets, guilt, jealousy, hate, sadness, control, judge, suffering, victim, drama. The choice again is up to us.<br /><br /><b>HAPPINESS</b><br /><br />Each moment we can decide how we want to live. Do we want to live in the moment and enjoy it for all its worth? Or do we want to dwell on some unhappy past or uncertain future and live in fear? As the saying goes: “There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way.” Happiness is also a choice. Life can be so good – if we decide to have it that way. And it is all up to us.</span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></span></div>
thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930280019779692181.post-83178616415361044072057-06-13T00:30:00.001-07:002021-04-04T09:40:41.959-07:00FORGIVENESS . . . is an option.<div align="justify">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: verdana;"><i>You'll Note How Much of This</i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: verdana;"><i> is Devoted to Forgiveness, </i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: verdana;"><i>Because I Need So Much.</i></span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>. . . there are mistakes...that in themselves reveal yawning flaws in your character and make you wish that time in its haste would stand still, turn and give you that one critical moment back, things that cannot be erased...cleansed of their base matter, that can only be learned from knowledge gathered does not erase the mistake, for in its essence it is something done that cannot be undone. Hopefully...some sour, bitter slice of wisdom...can be drawn on to minimize the chances that one may stray so far from the light again.</b> (Gil Schwartz)</span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>Forgive Everybody Everything! Now. Don't Wait. Not everyone has the time.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>*</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>... The tension of opposites.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>We learn from what hurts us...as much as what Loves us, you know?</b> (Tuesdays with Morrie)</span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Regret</span> is an appalling waste of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">energy</span>; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in.</b> (Katherine Mansfield, short story writer)</span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">If time does heal --</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>then to have the results of time</b> (the healing)<b>, one must only look forward</b> (fast forward their perspective)<b> to the appropriate time at which they can accept healing!</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>I am not the enemy.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>I am not the person you knew.</b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">I do not need to feel superior to you by making you/me believe you/me are wrong/less worthy.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">I know you have to come to your conclusions about me from a whole new set of criteria/ circumstances/ experiences.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br /></span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"><b>I seriously doubt I will attain perfection. Though much more centered than before, I remain a flawed work in progress. If any one is awaiting my arrival at perfection<span style="color: #993399;">*</span> -- their wait is in vain. </b><span style="color: #993399;">(<b>*</b>I tried perfection and that's what got me into trouble. I believed I could overcome my condition of HUMAN.)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___<br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span>I had been stuck for years in a place that refused to change. Everything seemed hard, solid, and unmovable. Making the most difficult and painful decision of my life, I left for seventeen years -- and started an avalanche of change that forced me down a dark and anguished patch of sadness and growth. Every time I thought I had reached the bottom, </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"> <span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b> </b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #38761d;">After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.</span></span><b> </b></span></span></b><br />
<a name='more'></a><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">another trap door would open below me. I had spent years jettisoning useless baggage until I felt raw, empty-handed, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">emotionally</span> exhausted and for once, real.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">* </span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 130%;">...at last I find myself free of the past.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>The Past Is In Darkness. To revisit the past is to visit darkness.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>I'd like: "My current life to be declared a dress rehearsal with some script changes permitted before opening night."</b> (David B. Campbell)</span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>___</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">"Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either resist or you yield. Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise, and Loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to Life....</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"><b>IF THE SHUTTERS ARE CLOSED, THE SUNLIGHT CANNOT COME IN."</b> (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Eckhart</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Tolle</span></span>)</span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___</span></b> <b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"><b>FROM THE BOOK: "A Thousand Splendid Suns" </b>by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Khaled</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Hosseini</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span></div>
<div align="right">
<span style="color: #783f04;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 85%;">(About a daughter whose father abandoned her - </span></span></div>
<div align="right">
<span style="color: #783f04;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 85%;">with horrific results.</span></span></div>
<div align="right">
<span style="color: #783f04;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 85%;">The following is a letter he wrote to her shortly before his death.)</span></span></div>
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">May 13, 1987</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">I pray this letter finds you in good health. As you know, I came to Kabul a month ago to speak with you. But <span style="font-size: 130%;">you would not see me. I was disappointed but could not blame you. In your place, I might have done the same.</span> I lost the privilege of your good graces a long time ago and for that I only have myself to blame. But if you are reading this letter, then you have read the letter that I left at your door. You have read it and come to see Mullah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Faizullah</span></span>, as I had asked that you do. I am grateful <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">that</span> you did, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">jo</span></span>. <span style="font-size: 130%;">I am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">grateful</span> for this chance to say a few words to you.</span></span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 130%;">Where do I begin?</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">Your father has known so much sorrow since we last spoke, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">jo</span></span>. Your stepmother <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Afsoon</span></span> was killed the first day of the 1979 uprising. A stray bullet killed your sister <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Niloufar</span></span> that same day. I can still see her, my little <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Niloufar</span></span>, doing headstands to impress guests. Your brother <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Farhad</span></span> joined the jihad in 1980. The Soviets killed him in 1982, just outside of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Helmand</span></span>. I never got to see his body. I don't know if you have children of your own, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">jo</span></span>, but if you do I pray that God look after them and spare you the grief that I have known. I still dream of them. I still dream of my dead children.</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">I have dreams of you too, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">jo</span></span>. I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice, your laughter. I miss reading to you, and all those times we fished together. Do you remember all those times we fished together? You were a good daughter, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">jo</span></span>, and I cannot ever think of you without feeling shame and regret. Regret...When it comes to you, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">jo</span></span>, I have oceans of it. I regret that I did not see you the day you came to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Herat</span></span>. I regret that I did not open the door and take you in. I regret that I did not make you a daughter to me, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">that</span> I let you live in that place for all those years. <u>And for what? Fear of losing face? Of staining my so-called good name? How little those things matter now</u> after all the loss, all the terrible things I have seen in this cursed war. Perhaps this is just punishment for those who have been heartless, to understand only when <u>nothing can be undone</u>. Now all I can say that you were a good daughter, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">jo</span></span>, and that I never deserved you. Now all I can do is ask for your <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">forgiveness</span>. So forgive me, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">jo</span></span>, <span style="font-size: 130%;">Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.</span></span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"><b>I am not the wealthy you once knew. The communists confiscated so much of my land, and all of my stores as well. But it is petty to complain, for God -- for reasons that I do not understand -- has still blessed me with far more than most people. Since my return to Kabul, I have managed to sell what little remained of my land. I have enclosed for you your share of the inheritance. You can see that it is far from a fortune, but it is something. It is something.</b> (You will also notice that I have taken the liberty of exchanging the money into dollars. I think it is for the best. God alone knows the fate of our own beleaguered currency.)</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">I hope you do not think that I am trying to buy your forgiveness. <span style="font-size: 130%;">I hope you will credit me with knowing that your forgiveness is not for sale.</span> It never was. I am merely giving you, if belatedly, what was rightfully yours all along. I was not a dutiful father to you in life. Perhaps in death I can be.</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">Ah, death. I won't burden you with details, but death is within sight for me now. Weak heart, the doctors say. It is a fitting manner of death, I think for a weak man. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">jo</span></span>,</span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">I dare, <span style="font-size: 130%;">I dare to allow myself the hope that, after you read this, you will be more charitable to me</span> than I ever was to you. <span style="font-size: 130%;">That you might find it in your heart to come and see your father. That you will knock on my door one more time and give me the chance to open it this time, to welcome you, to take you into my arms, my daughter, </span>as I should have all those years ago. It is a hope as weak as my heart. <span style="font-size: 130%;">This I know. But I will be waiting. I will be listening for your knock. I will be hoping.</span></span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">May God grant you a long an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">prosperous</span> life, my daughter. May God give you many healthy and beautiful children. May you find the happiness peace, and acceptance that I did not give you. Be well. I leave you in the loving hands of God. </span></b><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"></span></b><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">Your undeserving father,</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Jalil</span></span></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #cc6600;"><span style="color: #783f04;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 85%;">(Sadly, Mariam <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">jo</span></span> never saw this letter before she died. Her friend <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_30"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Laila</span></span> was the one who eventually opened it and read it -- too late.)</span></span><br />
</span><span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #330033; font-family: Verdana;">And so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_31"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">Laila</span></span> has resigned herself to moving on. For her own sake.... And for Mariam, who still visits <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_32"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">Laila</span></span> in her dreams, who is never more than a breath or two below her consciousness. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_33"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">Laila</span></span> has moved on. Because in the end she knows that's all she can do. That and hope.</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: Verdana;">___ ___ ___</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b>From</b> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_34"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">Khaled</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_35"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_27">Hosseini's</span></span><b> book "The Kite Runner":</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-size: 85%;">*</span></b></span> </span><br />
</span><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><b><span style="font-size: 130%;">I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night<span style="color: #663366;">.</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="color: #ff99ff; font-family: arial; font-size: 130%;"><b>___________________________</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #ffccff;"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span><br />
</span><span style="font-size: 180%;"><b><span style="color: #990000; font-family: verdana;">Forgiveness is for the one who feels victimized; </span></b></span><b><span style="color: #990000; font-family: verdana; font-size: 180%;">much more so than for the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_36">inflicter</span>.</span></b></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<b><span style="color: #663366;"><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #663366;">The</span> victim, by not forgiving, continues to live the infliction again and again AND therefore, secures their ongoing victim status.</span></span></b></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">* </span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366;"><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I definitely have lived in this state most of my life – the victim of all those who would not accept me as I really am. I don’t want to live the rest of my life as that victim – so I must forgive my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_37"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_28">inflicters</span></span> . . . and myself. </span></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;"></span></b></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366;"><b><span style="color: #663366; font-family: verdana;">I know that in my victim state – I also became the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_38">inflicter</span> when I abandoned all those who I interpreted or misinterpreted their motives, actions and thoughts or feared possible scenarios.</span></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;">___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ </span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Until recently, I was confused as to <b>why it is often so difficult for Christians to forgive</b>; though <b>they are the ones who 'should' understand forgiveness the best.</b> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I found this Anonymous writing very helpful in my process to learn forgiveness:</span></span></div>
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></span><br />
<div align="justify">
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">You must forgive those who hurt you, even if whatever they did to you is unforgivable in your mind. You will forgive them not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you don’t want to suffer and hurt yourself every time you remember what they did to you. It <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_39"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_29">doesn</span></span>’t matter what others did to you, you are going to forgive them because you don’t want to feel sick all the time. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">*</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">You have all these reasons, all these justifications why you cannot forgive. But this is not the truth. The truth is that you cannot forgive because you learned not to forgive, because you practiced not to forgive, because you mastered not to forgive. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">F</span></span><span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_40">irst</span>, make a list of everyone you believe you need to ask for forgiveness. Then ask them for forgiveness. Even is there is not enough time to call everyone, ask for their forgiveness in your prayers and through your dreams. Second, make a list of all the people who hurt you, all the people you need to forgive. Start with your family, your loved ones, your friends, and God.<span style="color: #ffccff;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Now, you are going to forgive others by knowing that whatever anyone did to you had nothing to do with you. Everyone dreams his own dream. The words and actions that hurt you are merely a reaction to the demons in that person’s own mind. Nothing anyone does is because of you. Once you have this awareness, and you do not take it personally, compassion and understanding will lead you to forgiveness. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Start working on forgiveness; start practicing forgiveness. It will be difficult at first, but then it just becomes a habit. At a certain point, you find that you must forgive yourself for all those wounds and all that poison you created for yourself in your own dream. When you forgive yourself, self-acceptance begins and self-love grows. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana;"><b><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">That is the sup</span></b></span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b><span style="color: #6600cc; font-size: 130%;">reme forgiveness – when you finally forgive yourself.</span><span style="color: #663366;"></span></b> </span></div>
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<span style="color: #663366;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's times like these that the opportunity for a Christian example is seen by the unknowing. <b>What is the example seen?</b> </span></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 130%;">We let go eventually by necessity of everything for our own benefit -- whether through time or death. If it is in-deed for our well-being, to feel better, we can move up our letting go. The choice is based on when we want to feel better.</span></i></b></div>
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b><i><span style="font-family: Verdana;">*</span></i></b></span>thatwastheacthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13271135686643722011noreply@blogger.com