Gary Larson Depicted IT So Well...

Gary Larson Depicted IT So Well...

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Sunday, June 10, 2057

Letters to My "X" & Daughters

The first email was in response to a venomous email from my "X":
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A,
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I hate many actions, beliefs and decisions I’ve made. This hating does not undo any past actions. It does change future actions, beliefs and decisions. Semantically, I don’t like the choice of the word hate in that to hate something; one must constantly give it energy and attention. Regrets do not change anything that happened.
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It is impossible to rewind life and; therefore I do agree with your friend’s statement that there is nothing I can, or will ever be able to do, to “make things right”. I will continue to pray for all the pain everyone has endured to abate.
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I can live a true life of integrity from the moment I accepted myself as a valid human being and that is what time will prove I have chosen to do.
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I also do not believe that “IT WAS NECESSARY” for self-discovery – I didn’t know what it would take; I didn’t know I would ever come to a point of acceptable ‘self-discovery’. I committed life suicide because I came to my wit’s end. I admit that I am too big of a wuss to actually kill my body – if I were not a wuss, I would have succeeded in one of the many times I intended to.
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In honor of your/anyone’s choice not to have anything to do with me, I will not force myself on anyone. AND, if anyone wants nothing to do with me, I will accept that as their choice (with no judgment – everyone is entitled to see things as they choose).
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I know “sorry”* does not undo. I understand there may be no anti-venom for the poison you feel for me 
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and that you may never get to a point of wanting to have anything to do with me. Again, your choice; not mine.
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*Nothing whatsoever can be said/done to undo. I do regret that that statement is absolutely true, yet accept that it is. Though someone's sentence has been served – it does not undo the act – nor undo the pain caused by the act. Even sentencing one to eternal damnation does not undo.
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I pray time, healing and forgiveness can repair vs. undo.
ELM
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A,
A couple of your thoughts, which I did not initially address because I did not want to challenge nor do anything to 'push buttons', deserve responses.
You said:
"A suicide abandons hope and life . . . you embraced life and hope. This is evident in the fact that you were able to begin a long term relationship with another soul just months after…." The relationship with S was tenuous until I let my guard down to see where it would lead. I held my distance believing he was just passing through — he had never stayed in one place more than 6-12 months. Once I let my guard down, we began to develop our relationship. He got itchy to move-on before the year was out and went on a two-week 'self-discovery' trip. Upon his return, he decided to leave me. I fell apart. He did care about me and reconsidered leaving me until I could handle his moving on; eventually, he left for years to find his center (he says because he was not a happy person) —— we reunited late in 2006 when he determined he "did" Love me and that we were meant for each other.
"I have countless friends who are gay and were able to honestly come out to their friends and family…." True, my unsuccessful life was due to all my previous years of self-loathing. The religion and friends I chose propelled this loathing. My family's words and culture fed my fears of my being hated if they knew I was gay.

A, Because I did not Love me, I was not able to Love properly. For my lacking, I am truly sorry. I Love and accept me now and can properly Love — I ask that you give me the opportunity to give the deserved Love, that I could not before.

In utmost humility,

ELM
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To My Daughters & A,

I have slain my demons. I know that does not help with the monsters created that you had to deal with.


Love brought me here. I am healed and I want to do whatever I can to facilitate your healing. I believe Love will prevail over ALL.


I am soooo impressed with all you have become. You've arrived! Nothing I could have ever done would have made you better. You are as good as you get.

I believe in you and believe your lives will flourish in Love.

Please forgive me for my past frailties, mistakes and horrific actions that brought you pain and harm. I am truly sorry and no words can express my true heart-felt feelings. My being here and time will express what I have in my heart for you.
Love,

ELM
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To My Eldest Daughter,
I'm writing to let you know my heart.

I understand, nothing I say can assure you.

You decide when and if you'd like a father for the rest of your life. I don't want you to later feel bad that you took as much time as you needed to determine that you want me in your life. I will never feel anything but love and approval for your choices.

Only by coming to terms with forgiveness and regrets was I able to return. I hope you can too so I can return to your heart – you never left mine.

I have no motive to escape. Nothing enslaves me.

I have a clear conscience that I meant no harm; yet have a conscience – aware I did harm.

I do want you to know – I do want you in my life; understanding, I don't deserve you - I don't deserve any Love – I give and receive it freely.

Love,
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Dad
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From the beginning, I have been told that my other Daughter wants no contact with me.
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*What follows is a letter I prepared for my daughters.
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Somewhere Out There . . .

(lyrics to the song)
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Somewhere out there,

Beneath the pale moon night,

Someone's thinking of me,

And loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there,

Someone's saying a prayer,

That we'll find one another,

In that big somewhere out there.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,

It helps to think we might be wishing

On the same bright star,

And when the night wind starts to sing

A lonesome lullaby,

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the

Same big sky.

Somewhere out there,

If love can see us through,

Then, we'll be together,

Somewhere out there, out where dreams, come true.

And even though I know how very far apart we are,

It helps to think we might be wishing

On the same bright star,

And when the night wind starts to sing

A lonesome lullaby,

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the

Same big sky.

Somewhere out there,

If love can see us through, (can see us through)

Then, we'll be together,

Somewhere out there, out where dreams, come true.


The last movie my daughters & I saw together was "American Tale" and that song was its theme song.
Whenever I looked into the night sky afterwards, I heard the (above) song.

I never stopped Loving you. My Love has grown. I went away to try to begin Loving me. It took more than 16 ½ years to reprogram the messages I received for 34 years…that what I was was unlovable and not accepted as a member of family, religion, society; anywhere.

Please forgive my absence. Not because I deserve it. So you will not relive the pain it caused (like I did – by not forgiving myself for being gay*) and you will heal.

Love,
ELM
*I had nothing to do with it. You also had nothing to do with my leaving.
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…human beings have been looking at the very same stars and thinking the same things for so long…there must be life up there, same as here, and whatever it's like, it's looking at us…. Are we part of some pattern in somebody else's night sky — a projection of their imaginations and wondering? …we're part of something incredibly wonderful — more marvelous than we…can imagine. …we ought to go out and look at it once in a while so we don't lose our place in it.  (Robert Fulghum – "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten")
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