Gary Larson Depicted IT So Well...

Gary Larson Depicted IT So Well...

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

WHY Leave & Return 17 Years Later?


HERE THE "MISS-MATCH" ("on purpose") of notes I had to relay my thoughts to my Family as I first met them. I prepared this compilation of thoughts over many months to enable me to stay composed while relaying what happened and why to each person directly (in October '07). This was never intended to be given/read by others before meeting with me personally. This is included here to help begin the bridge of understanding.
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THIS NOVEL IS BETTER READ IN SEGMENTS.

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I know that no one lives in a bubble & my returning impacts lives that are multifaceted…filled with challenges. I know that there is an inequity in my appearance: I was able to spend months preparing myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically (and in every other “…ally”) I could conceive of, for my return – no one else had that opportunity. Everyone else needs time to come to terms with my return – on their schedule and to process it as they see fit. My purpose is to end pain, bring closure and have a life with you as much as you are comfortable with?

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It took 34 years to break from unhealthiness – it took 17 more years to get healthy.

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BTW: I have often relayed to others what a poor writer I am. The below are snippets from many notes and moved into place at different sittings – it is a compilation; not a coherent piece.

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ELM disappeared June 30, 1991

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Why?

This is written not to justify actions – only to help understand the mindset at the time the drastic turn in my life road was made. In the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," we're shown what life roads others would have taken had Jimmy Stewart's character NOT been in their lives. The lie (life) I was leading was not wonderful and my leaving was not a premonition – it did occur and we each took unique life roads thereafter. I am not returning to justify the road I chose. It's too late to return and prevent some of the roads you've chosen; I am here in hopes your life roads will end happier and for everyone's closure.

It's futile now to question the validity of the feelings that facilitated the actions taken 17 years ago. They were strong enough then to precipitate the decisions. Though attacking may feel appropriate, it won't change or make anything different…except for maybe giving a temporary feeling of revenge. If this feeling is needed, please do it in private – on your own time. An apology for the pain caused all may appear insensitive and futile. None-the-less, I have felt much pain for all sorts of things for fifty years and though it may appear futile, any apology is better than none. I do apologize knowing what I did to 'save' myself, caused much pain and there was never any intention to cause any pain. I acted, in an attempt to end mine.

Even though I didn't know what it meant, I knew I was gay when I was in First Grade.