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He's ALIVE! - BEEN DEAD; DONE THAT.
Here is the statement I read in Court yesterday after being declared un-dead:
It doesn’t happen often; every time some one returns from the dead – someone has something to say about it.
It’s as though I stepped out of an alternate universe, where I was fully accepted as the gay male I’ve always been, into another’s world; having to deal with issues left by another man.
That other man was so angry about being gay that he/I lost my family. I was so busy being angry about it; I didn’t realize what I had. I was wrong.
The bigger our mistakes, the greater our possibilities for learning. To learn from our mistakes is THE WAY. I’ve learned.
*
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"True friendship can be found only between equals.
It cannot spring from either pity, remorse or the desire to protect. IT IS as tough as whipcord, hard as diamonds, and as fragile as crystal. There is respect in it, the ultimate respect that refuses to tamper with or diminish another's spirit. And yet a cordiality that has no difficulty dispensing sympathy and a helping hand to a friend in distress."
---- Dick McKean
At 52
I see how much of my Life was spent pursuing things that hurt me - and inevitably others.
("Trying" to be straight was a BIG one...)
*
My father loved a good fight / challenge. My mother did everything to avoid one. That helped their relationship. Most of their children inherited the father's trait.
*
BLACK or WHITE - What a Concept!
DDM was black or white; there was
no gray in his world. [Question: Did
he lack in a lobal function early in his
development?]
His faucet was either on or off - full
on or off. Everything was fine or
nothing was good.
*
^ + + ^ + ^ + ^ + ^ + + ^ + ^ + ^ + + ^BLACK or WHITE - What a Concept!
DDM was black or white; there was
no gray in his world. [Question: Did
he lack in a lobal function early in his
development?]
His faucet was either on or off - full
on or off. Everything was fine or
nothing was good.
*
Philosophically Speaking
Erma Bombeck
*
******** ******** ********
*
When someone does not see things as you do -- most often, they are not wrong.
As simple as:
Taste
Culture
Upbringing
Education (yours, as easily as theirs)
Convictions
Perception
Insight
Experience
Age . . ..
More often than not, neither is wrong - or right; they merely see things differently.
*
Why are people so caught up in convincing others of things? -- seldom do they.
*
When someone does not see things as you do -- most often, they are not wrong.
As simple as:
Taste
Culture
Upbringing
Education (yours, as easily as theirs)
Convictions
Perception
Insight
Experience
Age . . ..
More often than not, neither is wrong - or right; they merely see things differently.
*
Why are people so caught up in convincing others of things? -- seldom do they.
*
******** ******** ********
*
H
relayed that she recently read, and wants to adhere to: "Always assume
'Best Intentions' in others' actions; you'll seldom be wrong. And when
you are wrong, you'll have the best of intentions."
*
******** ******** ********
*
It IS possible to decrease the suffering in the world by adding to the joy. It IS possible to add to the light rather than trying to destroy the darkness.
Dawna Markova, Ph.D.
*
******** ******** ********
*
We can have a stolen car and be all upset, or we can have a stolen car and be happy. Either way, we have a stolen care. (Reactions are our choice. Choose Wisely.)
*
******** ******** ********
*
. . . the simple truths that I was learning, such as happiness and peace are found within . . . you had to first believe before you could eventually see the results of your belief.
. . . the simple truths that I was learning, such as happiness and peace are found within . . . you had to first believe before you could eventually see the results of your belief.
*
******** ******** ********
*
...Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: The last of his freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Victor E. Frankl "Man's Search for Meaning"
*
******** ******** ********
*
Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.
Richard Carlson, Ph.D.
*
******** ******** ********
*
"We have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."
Martin Luther King, Jr.
*
******** ******** ********
*
...being right is almost never more important than allowing yourself to be happy.
Richard Carlson, Ph.D.
*
******** ******** ********
*
What if you could
get used to saying, "Life Is Great" even when you felt it was anything
but that? Would life look different...better...no matter what? Would you
actually feel it was better simply because you were in the habit of
saying it was great? Would the act of saying it eventually make you feel
that it was?
*
******** ******** ********
*
. .
. While there's always a better way to do something, this doesn't mean
that you can't enjoy and appreciate the way things are. ... Catch yourself when you fall into you habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that
life is okay the way it is right now. In the absence of your judgment,
everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for
perfection in all areas of your life, you will begin to discover the perfection in life itself.
Richard Carlson, Ph.D
*
******** ******** ********
*
How often does your own "agenda" (though maybe unconscious) interfere with what may be available without one?
*
******** ******** ********
*
WORDS OF WISDUMB FROM JERRY SEINFELD:
*
a gift is to be given
*
a lot of people have this little corner of their brain that wants to play all the time . . .. Keep that corner alive.
*
every person has their own sexual timetable of what should happen when.
*
Nakedness is a big thing with men. Whatever it is that you won't show us, that's what we're obsessed with seeing.
*
The problem with
talkin' is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing.... "Boy,
you look pregnant, are you?" "Cut, cut, cut...!
*
when you want to enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way.
*
*
Life is truly a
ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor
slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go.
*
No matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up.
*
******** ******** ********
*
...Rather
than thinking of a problem as something that is negative and ought to
be removed as quickly as possible, Norman felt problems were a sign of
life.
*
...
Yesterday I went to a place where thousands of people reside. As far as
I could determine, not one of them has any problems. Would you like to
go there? - Woodlawn Cemetery...the only people I know who don't have
any problems are dead.
*
If
you have no problems at all - I warn you - you're in grave jeopardy -
you're in grave jeopardy - you're on the way out and don't know it! If
you don't believe you have any problems, I suggest that you immediately
race from wherever you are, jump into your car and drive home as fast
but as safely as possible, run into your house, run into your house, and
go straight to your bedroom and slam the door. Then get on your knees
and pray, "What's the matter Lord? Don't you trust me anymore? Give me
some problems."
Ken Blanchard
*
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*
YOU CREATE
expressed in others towards you
by the tension you express to the
world.
*
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"There's a wonderful mythical law of nature . . .
Peyton Conway March
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This Pic Says What's True Of Us All
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"Let go of doubt and fear . . .
. . . regarding your capacity to harmonize with the creative power -- that's Life itself."
The Way - Tao
The Way - Tao
Wayne W. Dyer
Change Your Thoughts
Change Your Life
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No longer live in fear
*
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Every day the Sun burns out a bit.
When you lose your spark for Life, you're ready to go.
It's sad for each of us because it dims our light a bit.
Remember though, every day, the Sun burns out a bit.
(Prolonging life is not harmonious.
Coercing the breath is unnatural.
Things which are overdeveloped must decay.
All this is contrary to Tao, and whatever
is contrary to Tao soon ceases to be.
Tao Te Ching 55)
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Many Have Said This:
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
*
*
SO TRUE*
Remember, everything Hitler did was legal.
Remember what Thomas Jefferson,
George Washington,
Benjamin Franklin...
did was illegal.
Don't let legal be the guide
for your moral Source.
I believe I read this
in a Wayne W. Dyer book.
*
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Good Thoughts And Actions Can Never Produce Bad Results.
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"Vengeance Is A Lazy form of Grief"
*
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Chasing Favor is Alarming & Will Eventually Bring Loss
*
ELM's conditioning before meeting his love S: from the 13th Verse of the 2500+ year old Tao•Te•Ching (the Way•the shape and power•book) I lived in constant striving to attain it and in constant fear of losing it.
*
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But For A Moment
*****
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One Advantage of FAILURE -
*
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. . . shell of hardness created out of fear . . .
Back in 1957, a
group of monks from a monastery had to relocate a clay Buddha from their
temple to a new location. The monastery was to be relocated to make
from for the development of a highway through Bangkok. When the crane
began to lift the giant idol, the weight of it was so tremendous that it
began to crack. What's more, rain began to fall. The head monk, who was
concerned about damage to the sacred Buddha, decided to lower the
statue back to the ground and cover it with a large canvas tarp to
protect it from the rain.
Later that evening the head monk went to check on the Buddha. He shinned his flashlight under the tarp to see if the Buddha was staying dry. As the light reached the crack, he noticed a little gleam shinning back and thought it strange. As he took a closer look at this gleam of light, he wondered if there might be something underneath the clay. He went to fetch a chisel and hammer from the monastery and began to chip away at the clay. As he knocked off shards of clay, the little gleam grew brighter and bigger. Many hours of labor went by before the monk stood face to face with the extraordinary solid-gold Buddha.
Historians believe that several hundred years before the head monk's discovery, the Burmese army was about to invade Thailand (then called Siam). The Siamese monks, realizing that their country would soon be attacked, covered their precious golden Buddha with an outer covering of clay in order to keep their treasure from being looted by the Burmese. Unfortunately, it appears that the Burmese slaughtered all the Siamese monks, and the well-kept secret of the golden Buddha remained intact until that fateful day in 1957.
"We are all like the clay Buddha covered with a shell of hardness created out of fear, and yet underneath each of us is a 'golden Buddha,' a 'golden Christ' or a 'golden essence,' which is our real self. Somewhere along the way, between the ages of two and nine, we begin to cover up our 'golden essence,' our natural self. Much like the monk with the hammer and the chisel, our task now is to discover our true essence once again." Jack Canfield
Later that evening the head monk went to check on the Buddha. He shinned his flashlight under the tarp to see if the Buddha was staying dry. As the light reached the crack, he noticed a little gleam shinning back and thought it strange. As he took a closer look at this gleam of light, he wondered if there might be something underneath the clay. He went to fetch a chisel and hammer from the monastery and began to chip away at the clay. As he knocked off shards of clay, the little gleam grew brighter and bigger. Many hours of labor went by before the monk stood face to face with the extraordinary solid-gold Buddha.
Historians believe that several hundred years before the head monk's discovery, the Burmese army was about to invade Thailand (then called Siam). The Siamese monks, realizing that their country would soon be attacked, covered their precious golden Buddha with an outer covering of clay in order to keep their treasure from being looted by the Burmese. Unfortunately, it appears that the Burmese slaughtered all the Siamese monks, and the well-kept secret of the golden Buddha remained intact until that fateful day in 1957.
"We are all like the clay Buddha covered with a shell of hardness created out of fear, and yet underneath each of us is a 'golden Buddha,' a 'golden Christ' or a 'golden essence,' which is our real self. Somewhere along the way, between the ages of two and nine, we begin to cover up our 'golden essence,' our natural self. Much like the monk with the hammer and the chisel, our task now is to discover our true essence once again." Jack Canfield
The
golden Buddha is ten-and-a-half-foot tall, solid-gold, weighs over
two-and-a-half tons and it was valued in 1992 at approximately one
hundred and ninety-six million dollars. Our true essences are more
impressive and much more valuable.
*
*
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NEW YORK TIMES February 14, 2006
More and More, Favored
Psychotherapy
Lets Bygones Be Bygones
Lets Bygones Be Bygones
By ALIX SPIEGEL
For
most of the 20th century, therapists in America agreed on a single truth.
To cure patients, it was necessary to explore and talk through the origins of
their problems. In other words, they had to come to terms with the past to move
forward in the present.
Thousands
of hours and countless dollars were spent in this pursuit. Therapists listened
diligently as their patients recounted elaborate narratives of family
dysfunction — the alcoholic father, the mother too absorbed in her own
unhappiness to attend to her children's needs — certain that this process would
ultimately produce relief.
But
returning to the past has fallen out of fashion among mental health professionals over the last 15 years. Research has convinced many
therapists that understanding the past is not required for healing.
Despite
this profound change, the cliché of patients' exhaustively revisiting childhood
horror stories remains.
"Average
consumers who walk into psychotherapy expect to be discussing their childhood
and blaming their parents for contemporary problems, but that's just not true
any more," said John C. Norcross, a psychology professor at the University
of Scranton in Pennsylvania.
Professor
Norcross has surveyed American psychologists in an effort to figure out what is
going on behind their closed doors.
Over
the last 20 years, he has documented a radical shift. Psychotherapeutic
techniques like psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy, which deal with
emotional conflict and are based on the idea that the exploration of past
trauma is critical to healing, have been totally eclipsed by cognitive
behavioral approaches.
That
relatively new school holds that reviewing the past is not only unnecessary to
healing, but can be counterproductive.
Professor
Norcross says he believes that cognitive behavioral therapy is the most widely
practiced approach in America.
The
method, known as C.B.T., was introduced in the late 1960's by Dr. Aaron T. Beck.
The underlying theory says it is not important for patients to return to the
origins of their problems, but instead to correct their current "cognitive
distortions," errors in perception that lead them to the conclusion that
life is hopeless or that everyday activity is unmanageable.
For
example, when confronted with severely depressed patients, cognitive behavioral
therapists will not ask about childhoods, but will work with them to identify
the corrosive underlying assumptions that frame their psychic reality and lead
them to feel bad about themselves. Then, systematically, patients learn to
retrain their thinking.
The
therapy dwells exclusively in the present. Unlike traditional psychoanalytic or
psychodynamic therapy, it does not typically require a long course of
treatment, usually 10 to 15 sessions.
When cognitive therapy was introduced, it met significant resistance to the notion that people could be cured without understanding the sources of the problems. Many therapists said that without working through the underlying problems change would be superficial and that the basic problems would simply express themselves in other ways.
Cognitive
advocates convinced colleagues by using a tool that had not been systematically
used in mental health, randomized controlled clinical trials.
Although
randomized controlled trials are the gold standard of scientific research, for
most of the 20th century such research was not used to test the effectiveness
of psychotherapeutic methods, in part because psychoanalysis, at the time the
most popular form of talk therapy, was actively hostile to empirical
validation. When research was conducted, it was generally as surveys rather
than as randomized studies.
Cognitive
behavioral researchers carried out hundreds of studies, and that research
eventually convinced the two most important mental health gatekeepers —
universities and insurance companies. Now the transformation is more or less
complete.
"There's
been a total changing of the guard in psychology and psychiatry
departments," said Dr. Drew Westen, a psychodynamically oriented therapist
who teaches at Emory
University.
"Virtually no psychodynamic faculty are ever hired anymore. I can name
maybe two in the last 10 years."
Insurance
companies likewise often prefer consumers to select cognitive behavioral
therapists, rather than psychodynamically oriented practitioners. In the
companies' view, scientific studies have shown that cognitive therapy can
produce results in less than half the time of traditional therapies.
But
is it really the case that understanding the past is not necessary to healing?
Could thousands of people have saved time and money by skipping over
conversations about parents and cutting straight to retraining their thoughts
and behaviors?
Richard
J. McNally, a professor of psychology at Harvard, said reviewing the past could
be therapeutically important because it could help patients construct
narratives of cause and effect.
He
pointed to cases of panic disorder. Many people have panic attacks, but a
small percentage develop full-blown panic disorder, he said. Those who do not
can usually find a rational explanation for their disturbing experience.
"They
say, 'That's because I am about to take a midterm exam or I had too much coffee
this morning,' explanations that de-catastrophize the bodily symptoms,"
Professor McNally said.
The
rationalizations are effective, he said, even when the explanation is not
correct. Merely asserting a logical sequence of cause and effect lets people
feel that they have some control, that they are not victims of unexplained
forces.
In
the same way, people who experience depression can
benefit from an explanation for their feelings, an interpretation that allows
them to feel that they are able, based on their understanding of the cause, to
predict and control their emotions. This is a function of therapies that focus
on the past, Professor McNally said.
"Detailed
narratives about the past can be assumed under a larger rubric of trying to
find meaning or trying to impose order, and thereby controlling one's world and
experience," he said. "People say, 'At least I know why I'm unhappy
in life.' "
New
research suggests that psychodynamic therapy exploring the past can be as
effective as cognitive work. In the last three years, psychodynamic therapists
have started to subject their approach to same vigorous research as that used
for cognitive therapy. The studies show similarly good results.
The basic assertion that it is not absolutely necessary to review the past is now generally accepted. Even Professor Norcross, who says he regularly guides patients to the past when it is warranted, acknowledges that the data are not entirely solid.
"At
the moment," he said, "there is no evidence that understanding the
origins of your problems is necessary for effective psychotherapy. And there is
some evidence that a preoccupation with the past can actually interfere with
making changes in the present.
"Obsessive
rumination about past events can trap patients in a self-defeating cycle from
which they cannot extricate themselves. It can actually retard healing."
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The FREEDOM in LEARNING vs. Knowing
The Awakening
A time comes in your life when you
finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and
insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your
head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to
subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a
mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize
that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for
happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You
come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not
Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or
beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever
after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born
of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not
everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and
that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)
And you learn the importance of loving
and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new-found confidence
is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the
things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only
thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say
what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be
there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on
your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety
& security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers
and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings
and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is
born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you
view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and
opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift
through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you
should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you
should shop, and what you should drive how and where you should live, and what
you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, whom you should marry and what
you should expect of a marriage, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and
different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are
and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and
needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or
should never have been brought into to begin with. That it is truly in giving
that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing
and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking
for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as
honesty and integrity are not those outdated ideals of a bygone era but the
mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything,
it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You
learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of
setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear
is the one you choose to and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you
learn about love, romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to
give in Love and when to stop giving. You learn not to project your needs or
your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more
intelligent, more lovable or important because of the woman or man on your arm.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have
them be.
You stop trying to control people,
situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is
with love.... And you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on
your terms... just to make you happy. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact
that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete
with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack
up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside,
smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement
are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for
the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to
the realization that you deserve to be treated with Love, kindness, sensitivity
and respect and you won't settle for less.
And, you allow only the hands of a
lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch ... and in the process you
internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is
your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin
eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.
You learn that fatigue diminishes the
spirit and can create doubt and fear. So
you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels
our soul. So you take more to laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part, in
life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a
self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth
working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working
toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in
order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all
alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn that the only thing you must
truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through
your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give
in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a
cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair,
you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things
happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to
personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer
your prayers. It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its
most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy
and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the
life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong
and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take
comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions
of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean
running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take
responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray
yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your
window so you can listen to the wind.
And you make it a point to keep
smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally,
with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take
a deep breath and you begin to design the life and the world and the love that
you deserve.
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