HERE THE "MISS-MATCH" ("on purpose") of notes I had to relay my thoughts to my Family as I first met them. I prepared this compilation of thoughts over many months to enable me to stay composed while relaying what happened and why to each person directly (in October '07). This was never intended to be given/read by others before meeting with me personally. This is included here to help begin the bridge of understanding.
*
*
THIS NOVEL IS BETTER READ IN SEGMENTS.
*
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
*
I know that no one lives in a bubble & my returning impacts lives that are multifaceted…filled with challenges. I know that there is an inequity in my appearance: I was able to spend months preparing myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically (and in every other “…ally”) I could conceive of, for my return – no one else had that opportunity. Everyone else needs time to come to terms with my return – on their schedule and to process it as they see fit. My purpose is to end pain, bring closure and have a life with you as much as you are comfortable with?
*
It took 34 years to break from unhealthiness – it took 17 more years to get healthy.
*
BTW: I have often relayed to others what a poor writer I am. The below are snippets from many notes and moved into place at different sittings – it is a compilation; not a coherent piece.
*
ELM disappeared June 30, 1991
*
Why?
This is written not to justify actions – only to help understand the mindset at the time the drastic turn in my life road was made. In the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," we're shown what life roads others would have taken had Jimmy Stewart's character NOT been in their lives. The lie (life) I was leading was not wonderful and my leaving was not a premonition – it did occur and we each took unique life roads thereafter. I am not returning to justify the road I chose. It's too late to return and prevent some of the roads you've chosen; I am here in hopes your life roads will end happier and for everyone's closure.
It's futile now to question the validity of the feelings which facilitated my actions taken 17 years ago. They were strong enough then to precipitate the decisions. Though attacking may feel appropriate, it won't change or make anything different…except maybe give a feeling of revenge. If this feeling is needed, it's your choice; please do it in private. An apology for the pain caused all may appear insensitive and futile. Though it may appear futile, any apology is better than none. I do apologize knowing what I did to 'save' myself, caused much pain and there was never any intention to cause any pain. I acted, in an attempt to end mine. I felt much pain for all sorts of things for fifty years.
Even though I didn't know what it meant, I knew I was gay when I was in First Grade.
(You may not understand how it could be; neither can I. Nor do I understand why I'm the only one in my family with hazel eyes. Over time, my anger increased knowing I was different and definitely not accepted. I went to great lengths to try to be what was expected (accepted). At 13, I became a Christian in hopes of exorcizing the 'evil' from within. I gave it my all, made it through my teenage years and married young in hopes that following the norm would make me 'normal'. I believed the programming: "I could not have possibly been made this way." I hated whatever it was that made me gay. By not liking who I was inside, I could not possibly like me. Our family's close friends, the T's son CT committed suicide at a young age. I watched the grief and vicariously saw myself in his coffin. He stopped me from going through with the three times I got close: I climbed to the top of "Local High Mountain" and stood at the edge of a cliff, held a knife over my wrist and looked at a loaded gun in my hands.
Becoming a Christian opened me to the galaxies of faith while also furthering my internal damnation; confirming the programming I received that I was not made gay. To accept my gayness, would be to reject God.
The turmoil inside periodically surfaced in demanding, inflexible and angry behavior ("macho-ism") – covered as much as possible with great wearing energy (disguised as goofy, funny – anything but what it was). My father often peered at me and wondered what was going on inside my unstable mind; seeing through my shallow surface 'stability'. My entire life had been devoted to making my father and others proud. After having accomplished it in general, I lived under the constant threat of losing it.
I lived in constant fear of discovery and invested huge amounts of energy to assure that no one would EVER know. For 34 years, I lived with a 7 second delay from my mind to my extremities. Running everything thought and action through the hetero filter to make sure what came out would NEVER appear to be gay. I literally discussed it with no one – not my closest friend – no one. None of my friends had any hint of my being gay. It was very lonely inside…and no one could visit. Time and circumstances did not change the color of my skin. In fact, the more time passed, the more unbearable the lie became.
Throughout growing up, I constantly received the message, when I saw that my friends, family and their friends shunned/disowned others for not fitting in, and the mortal sin was to ever do anything that may bring shame to the family. These possibilities loomed over me daily.
My life eventually unraveled and divorce was imminent. I was spinning downward as I was unsuccessfully attempting to keep up appearances. I left on a trip to secure a professional designation. While on the trip, I was robbed of all but my clothes. Instead of attempting to put my life back together, I woke up the next day and literally tossed everything and left to Mexico. My greatest fear was turned inside-out – I simply beat everyone to the punch and left my life, family and friends.
How could I rationalize leaving my family, friends and career? I felt I was on the edge of a mental breakdown for years…I committed emotional suicide. I reasoned that no one 'really' knew me and if they did, they wouldn't want to. I had already pretty well blown my fatherhood-ship, in that I wasn't available and when I was present, I wasn't really there. I had 'Cats in the Cradled', my fatherhood. I did not want to fight anymore (my whole life had been an internal conflict – I was escaping that as much as anything else). I especially did not want to fight with my soon-to-be EX about how our children were to be raised. I truly believed she and they would be better off with me out of the picture than me interfering with it.
I had already handed myself a failing grade as a father and did not want to imprint any more negative images.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
*
I know that no one lives in a bubble & my returning impacts lives that are multifaceted…filled with challenges. I know that there is an inequity in my appearance: I was able to spend months preparing myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically (and in every other “…ally”) I could conceive of, for my return – no one else had that opportunity. Everyone else needs time to come to terms with my return – on their schedule and to process it as they see fit. My purpose is to end pain, bring closure and have a life with you as much as you are comfortable with?
*
It took 34 years to break from unhealthiness – it took 17 more years to get healthy.
*
BTW: I have often relayed to others what a poor writer I am. The below are snippets from many notes and moved into place at different sittings – it is a compilation; not a coherent piece.
*
ELM disappeared June 30, 1991
*
Why?
This is written not to justify actions – only to help understand the mindset at the time the drastic turn in my life road was made. In the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," we're shown what life roads others would have taken had Jimmy Stewart's character NOT been in their lives. The lie (life) I was leading was not wonderful and my leaving was not a premonition – it did occur and we each took unique life roads thereafter. I am not returning to justify the road I chose. It's too late to return and prevent some of the roads you've chosen; I am here in hopes your life roads will end happier and for everyone's closure.
It's futile now to question the validity of the feelings which facilitated my actions taken 17 years ago. They were strong enough then to precipitate the decisions. Though attacking may feel appropriate, it won't change or make anything different…except maybe give a feeling of revenge. If this feeling is needed, it's your choice; please do it in private. An apology for the pain caused all may appear insensitive and futile. Though it may appear futile, any apology is better than none. I do apologize knowing what I did to 'save' myself, caused much pain and there was never any intention to cause any pain. I acted, in an attempt to end mine. I felt much pain for all sorts of things for fifty years.
Even though I didn't know what it meant, I knew I was gay when I was in First Grade.
(You may not understand how it could be; neither can I. Nor do I understand why I'm the only one in my family with hazel eyes. Over time, my anger increased knowing I was different and definitely not accepted. I went to great lengths to try to be what was expected (accepted). At 13, I became a Christian in hopes of exorcizing the 'evil' from within. I gave it my all, made it through my teenage years and married young in hopes that following the norm would make me 'normal'. I believed the programming: "I could not have possibly been made this way." I hated whatever it was that made me gay. By not liking who I was inside, I could not possibly like me. Our family's close friends, the T's son CT committed suicide at a young age. I watched the grief and vicariously saw myself in his coffin. He stopped me from going through with the three times I got close: I climbed to the top of "Local High Mountain" and stood at the edge of a cliff, held a knife over my wrist and looked at a loaded gun in my hands.
Becoming a Christian opened me to the galaxies of faith while also furthering my internal damnation; confirming the programming I received that I was not made gay. To accept my gayness, would be to reject God.
The turmoil inside periodically surfaced in demanding, inflexible and angry behavior ("macho-ism") – covered as much as possible with great wearing energy (disguised as goofy, funny – anything but what it was). My father often peered at me and wondered what was going on inside my unstable mind; seeing through my shallow surface 'stability'. My entire life had been devoted to making my father and others proud. After having accomplished it in general, I lived under the constant threat of losing it.
I lived in constant fear of discovery and invested huge amounts of energy to assure that no one would EVER know. For 34 years, I lived with a 7 second delay from my mind to my extremities. Running everything thought and action through the hetero filter to make sure what came out would NEVER appear to be gay. I literally discussed it with no one – not my closest friend – no one. None of my friends had any hint of my being gay. It was very lonely inside…and no one could visit. Time and circumstances did not change the color of my skin. In fact, the more time passed, the more unbearable the lie became.
Throughout growing up, I constantly received the message, when I saw that my friends, family and their friends shunned/disowned others for not fitting in, and the mortal sin was to ever do anything that may bring shame to the family. These possibilities loomed over me daily.
My life eventually unraveled and divorce was imminent. I was spinning downward as I was unsuccessfully attempting to keep up appearances. I left on a trip to secure a professional designation. While on the trip, I was robbed of all but my clothes. Instead of attempting to put my life back together, I woke up the next day and literally tossed everything and left to Mexico. My greatest fear was turned inside-out – I simply beat everyone to the punch and left my life, family and friends.
How could I rationalize leaving my family, friends and career? I felt I was on the edge of a mental breakdown for years…I committed emotional suicide. I reasoned that no one 'really' knew me and if they did, they wouldn't want to. I had already pretty well blown my fatherhood-ship, in that I wasn't available and when I was present, I wasn't really there. I had 'Cats in the Cradled', my fatherhood. I did not want to fight anymore (my whole life had been an internal conflict – I was escaping that as much as anything else). I especially did not want to fight with my soon-to-be EX about how our children were to be raised. I truly believed she and they would be better off with me out of the picture than me interfering with it.
I had already handed myself a failing grade as a father and did not want to imprint any more negative images.
*
For years, I mourned the losses. I did not attempt to contact anyone so that all who once knew the person they thought was me, could get over me. The more time that passed, confirmed how awful it would be to reintroduce myself and reopen unexplained wounds that I hoped had long since healed. Why come back now? Before I die, I want those I love to know the real me: who they loved. Blue eyes are not the norm; yet, they are normal. Being gay is not the norm; yet, it is normal. I cannot justify gayness anymore than one can 'justify' hetero-ness. Explain why some are attracted to blondes and others are attracted to brunettes. No one questions it. If 'gayness' were a non-issue, none that occurred would have.
For years, I mourned the losses. I did not attempt to contact anyone so that all who once knew the person they thought was me, could get over me. The more time that passed, confirmed how awful it would be to reintroduce myself and reopen unexplained wounds that I hoped had long since healed. Why come back now? Before I die, I want those I love to know the real me: who they loved. Blue eyes are not the norm; yet, they are normal. Being gay is not the norm; yet, it is normal. I cannot justify gayness anymore than one can 'justify' hetero-ness. Explain why some are attracted to blondes and others are attracted to brunettes. No one questions it. If 'gayness' were a non-issue, none that occurred would have.
*
I was a 'happy' child (hidden behind a fence I erected to protect my true self).
*
