My life further blew apart with the 2005 arrival of the Mexican Caribbean hurricane Wilma. She took everything I had that I was hanging onto after losing the love of my life in 2002. For months, I sat on the beach and starred from 11 in the morning until midnight contemplating how far I could swim out and become too tired to swim back. I spent countless hours on the internet researching how to 'off' myself with the least personal impact on me. I was afraid of me and self-prescribed anti-depressants.
>>>> WHAT FOLLOWS ARE THE TWO FAXES SENT 2+ YEARS APART WHICH WERE THE INITIAL CONTACT (12+ YEARS AFTER I DEPARTED [in 2003 & 2005]) and below the faxes are emails sent to the one family member who responded.
*
You can see, initially I argued that it would be wrong to return. Over the next 2 years of communication by email, "WC" (who pretended to be my Father) convinced me otherwise.*
The 1st FAX (sent in 2003) was set-up to look like I had written it before I left and that maybe someone else sent it on my behalf 12 years after my departure. This 1st FAX was all I ever intended to send; After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.
never to be heard from again. Many events lead to my creating the 2nd FAX and sending it 2 years later (in 2005). There was never any response to the 1st, in that I gave no contact info. The 2nd FAX revealed that I was alive and did give a means to make contact (the reason for including a copy of the 1st FAX with the 2nd, was to convince the recipient that I was the same sender). After the 2nd FAX, I received a response many months after it was sent (I believe the contact was prompted due to an email that got through after sending to hundreds of possible e-dresses for my father, hoping one would reach him; then our communication continued for over 2 years before my return in October 2007). The reason for the odd Heading (“Conceived by…”) was to intrigue whatever secretary recipient may receive the FAXes to make sure that they got the FAX to "My Father's First Name".
Items in "quotes" were proper names – removed for this BLOG.
Items in "quotes" were proper names – removed for this BLOG.
FIRST FAX * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL TO: "My Father's Name"
Conceived by: "Your Mother's Full Maiden Name" & "Your Father's Full Given Name"
FAX: "444-999-0000"
DATE: Originally intended to be on sent: June 30, 1991. Note Pasted with the SECOND FAX > > SENT OVER OVER TWO YEARS AGO (in 2003) TO THE ABOVE FAX #.
RE: The following includes facts & assumptions >
It is way over due. Decide if it is worth it to mend the afflictions placed on your remaining boys.
Your boys could not gain your favor*, while witnessing it as a given for their sisters. Like "My Mother's First Name", you could have loved & given your approval* to the boys in the same way you did to the girls - simply because they were yours. You expected the best from your girls & received it. You reaped what you sowed with your boys.
By the degradation of "My Mother's First Name", you taught your boys a lesser view of women. Would you have wanted your sons-in-law to treat their wives as you treated yours?
You ruled with your "Your Mother's Maiden Name" temperament; all felt its volatility & feared its power over you (revealed even when you were mad at yourself). You needed help & never sought it. It is unknown if you had conquered your "Your Mother's Madness", how much less turmoil would have passed through to your offspring...& between your children while they were developing.
Your eldest son (with the greatest drive &, if nurtured, the most like you) is disabled by insecurity because of your shame. The youngest, (the brightest, who as a child was caught for nearly every infraction [Ever consider - he did no more than the others - he sought your precious attention - bad or good]) became an under-achiever because of your shame. The sensitive one, chose death (after years of over-achievement, seeking to overcome the inevitable shame he would endure when you found him to be like your father, who though quite handsome, married a homely girl [who liked him] for cover), knowing your approval* was unattainable.
The sensitive one took note how family meant nothing when your "favorite niece" had to choose between you & her husband; when you approved of the neighbors' disowning "A Neighbor's Daughter" because of her behavior; when in your "black book", all your affection, attention & emotion were withheld; when you shed no tears at the memorial service of your sensitive father...to name a few. TO NAME A FEW MORE: WHEN AT 6, I WAS AWOKEN EARLY MORNING TO GO TO INDIAN GUIDES. I WAS GROGGY & SAID THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GO. YOU SAID, "FINE, THEN YOU'RE OUT OF INDIAN GUIDES!" I CONTINUED TO NAP & THEN IT HIT ME WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED. I JUMPED UP TO GET READY AND YOU LEFT WITH "MY OLDER BROTHER'S NAME"; WITHOUT ME. WELL, THAT ONE TIME SURELY WOULD HAVE TAUGHT ME A LESSON. BUT, YOU REALLY MEANT IT, I WAS THEREAFTER OUT OF INDIAN GUIDES (I WAS 6 !!). -- WHEN I WAS THE ONE, AT 13, WHO HAD TO BE THE ADULT & SET AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR SECRETARY TO TALK WITH YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM THAT NIGHT, TO TRY TO RESOLVE THE FACT THAT WE HAD NOT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER IN MONTHS & ACTUALLY IGNORED EACH OTHER WHILE IN THE SAME HOUSE. THERE WERE EVEN TIMES WE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER AND DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT. I SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH & FACED YOU AND SAID, "I AM NOT GOING TO CRY, LIKE I ALWAYS DO, BECAUSE I NO LONGER HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU. I THINK I HATE YOU." I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED IF MY SON HAD SAID THAT. AND YOU SIMPLY SAID, "I THINK WE HAVE A PROBLEM."
You have spent your life expecting others to adapt to your ways & you have been insensitive to others' characters & ways. Of course, your attitudes affected the sensitive one the most. He knew you would not cry at his memorial service if you knew he was like your father. He chose to die & at least have you cry before you knew - somehow (though falsely placed), that amounted to the approval* he never received.
You emasculated your boys; then wondered why they did not turn out how you had hoped. You should have only had girls. Too late. Give your remaining boys the unequivocal love & approval* your girls received? These are not to be reserved & only spent when you are pleased. You can stubbornly say (as you have for all your years) that your approval* is not deserved. Love & Approval/*Acceptance for who one is, family membership, personal value & existence are deserved.
A number of your errors could have brought that dreaded shame to the family name. Maybe the name was/is not as valuable as mending the shame. You need not share this with anyone, but like Ebenezer Scrooge, you need to wake up before it is too late for all involved. You have withheld your approval long enough. This lacking has caused damage only you can mend. Your illegitimate (Dictionary: 2nd & 3rd definition) son.
SECOND FAX * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
- PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL -
TO: "My Father's Name"
Conceived by: "Your Mother's Full Maiden Name" & "Your Father's Full Given Name"
FAX: "444-999-0000"
DATE: August 28, 2005
RE: YOU DECIDE WHAT IS BEST
I was suicidal from 13 on because of it (I knew at 6, I was this way). I so wanted to be like I was conditioned to be, but, I was/am not. I became a fanatical right-wing Christian at 13 in an attempt to be exorcised; and tried as best as I could to put on a "normal" life - marrying someone who adored me and even having children in an attempt to be what I "should be". You always knew I was a bit off - now, you know why - I was living a lie. I did not hate myself, but I hated my life. That's why I killed my life instead of me. Many times I felt that killing me would be easier on you - but I didn't love you more than I loved who I knew I was inside. (In-fact, three different times I went to kill myself & told no one because I did not want anyone to stop me. I made it through those times because I came to the conclusion then, that I hated my life; not me. One time, I climbed "Our Local High" Mountain by myself and stood on the edge of the cliff crying; another time I held a gun in my hands and another, a knife.)
I do believe it would kill Mom, damage "My Daughters" (more than they already are) and drastically affect all sorts of interrelationships among everyone. No good would come of it. I was then so naive to think her love could change me; just like I hoped intense religion would. "My Older Brother" & I healed our tumultuous childhood relationship. He is so homo-phobic that he would hate me all over again. The boys would never get past it.
Nothing is accomplished re-hashing what has occurred since my "life-death". I do not want to know what/who happened after June 30, 1991, it would only increase pain & loss. A very heavy price has been paid. The purpose here is to put to rest - once and for all - the results of my being the previous "apple-of-your-eye" son who knew at any moment that I may become the bane of your existence. I LEFT TO AVOID BECOMING THAT BANE. I do love you enough to hope this does not kill you - I have experienced death enough already - it's not good. I don't want others to have to suffer again with my life, after they went through the experience of my death.
I cannot go on as I have. 9-Eleven has made having no identity so much tougher, and getting work since 9-Eleven is nearly impossible. I have gone as long as I can (hurricane Wilma was the last straw -- I lost everything); now I am desperate and destitute. I am willing to come out of hiding. Yet I continue to believe, it is best for all of those from my past, that I do not. That is why I made no attempt to contact other than, after over 12 years after my disappearance, the first FAX to you on behalf of "My Older Brother" & "My Younger Brother". I have lived 49 years with this knowledge - you won't have to live with it for that long.
It's time you know what made me (what caused the chronic deep hidden tension / fear / anger). Time passes quickly when you look back on it. I have now been gone nearing 15 years.
I do, & have known always, that I do not fit within your love - it is easier for all this way. The crying stopped a long time ago.
*** ** *** *** ** *** *** ** ***
Eventually, because of no response and in absolute desperation, I wrote a very descriptive email about who I was and what had happened and sent it to nearly 200 possible email addresses for one of my relatives. I repeated the process months apart for 3 or 4 times and after 9 months, I received one response. Communication responses thereafter were spaced 1 to 2+ months apart (over two years) and understandably, at times they were quite tense.
BELOW HERE ARE EDITED EXCERPTS FROM THE EMAILS I SENT TO THE 200 POSSIBLE EMAIL ADDRESSES FOR ONE OF MY RELATIVES:
I have seen how one can decide not to deal with loved ones because their lives do not mesh. That is what came to a head with me after 34 years and the shock of a mugging while I was in San Diego on the eve of June 30, 1991. I lived in hiding all those years before; these past 14 years have been a continuation of hiding, just, not from me. It is a shame that gay is an issue at all. Hetero is not an issue. We don't care who heteros better relate to relationally, who they love, are attracted to, what they do or don't do.... If it were a non-issue, there would be so much less suicide, broken families, attempted cover-ups, mismatches....
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YOU CAN DECIDE if it would do as much damage as I think it would for others to know after they have gone through the healing of my passing - to fall back on my actually being alive - the anger, shame, embarrassment, re-hashed sadness, loss, abandonment, hatred. The same trauma I felt growing up knowing who I was, was not good enough to be loved for being me (I over-achieved to compensate, hoping that would win-over acceptance/love). I was abandoned long before I left, because I knew I had to spend my life acting, to avoid experiencing the anger, shame, embarrassment, sadness, loss, abandonment, hatred. I've lived with all of that inside me - it wasn't worth my dying inside. I do not believe it is worth subjecting others to my re-birth/re-death.
I HOPE YOU BELIEVE THAT WHAT I DID, I DID IN HOPES IT WOULD BRING YOU LESS SHAME THAN THE OTHER OPTIONS.
I do believe it could kill my Mom, damage E & K (more than they already are) and drastically affect all sorts of interrelationships among everyone. No good would come of it. Sadly, I was so naive as to think A's love could change me; just like I hoped intense religion would. J & I healed our tumultuous childhood relationship. He is so homophobic that he would hate me all over again. The boys would never get past it.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
It's time you know what made me (what caused the chronic tension/fear/anger) & I also know you have secrets (we all do) you've been able to keep now for __ years. Time passes quickly when you look back on it. I have now been gone nearing __ years.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
JUST LIKE THE CHILD WHO IS SMALLER THAN HIS FRIENDS, WHO IS NOT THE RIGHT COLOR, WHO HAS THE "WRONG" NOSE - OVER TIME, THE CHILD LEARNS TO REJECT HIMSELF BECAUSE OF HIS DIFFERENCE - EVEN THOUGH HE DID NOTHING TO INFLUENCE THE DIFFERENCE. GAY PEOPLE LEARN TO REJECT THEMSELVES BECAUSE SOCIETY REJECTS THEIR DIFFERENCE - EVEN THOUGH THEY DID NOTHING TO INFLUENCE THE DIFFERENCE.
In seventh grade, my first infatuation committed suicide because of it.
TELL ME HOW IT IS ANY DIFFERENT THAN: THE OPPRESSION OF A RULER STIPULATING WHAT RELIGION MUST BE PRACTICED. HOW ONE MUST ACT WITHIN THE CASTE SYSTEM. HOW THE MISSIONARIES EXPECTED THE INDIANS TO HAVE SEX IN THE ACCEPTABLE 'MISSIONARY' POSITION. IN A HETEROSEXUALLY RULED SOCIETY, THAT STIPULATES WHAT YOU MUST BELIEVE ABOUT LOVE & HOW ONE MUST ACT TO BE ACCEPTED WITHIN THEIR HETERO-SOCIETY & EVEN WHAT KIND OF SEX IS ACCEPTABLE?
If I could have chosen to be anything else, I would have. Why would I choose to have my life ruined? Did my life fall apart because I was gay? This might cause someone to say, "Well, why did you choose to be gay? If you had chosen to be hetero; then your life wouldn't have fallen apart." OK, what if that were reversed? If your life fell apart because you were hetero, could you choose to be gay; then, wouldn't your life fall apart if you tried to be gay? I tried to be hetero and that's why my life fell apart.
POLITICALLY, THERE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A "GAY AGENDA". BUT THERE IS - TO STOP OPPRESSION - DICTATING HOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL TOWARDS THE OPPOSITE SEX. PROPONENTS OF THE OPPRESSION STATE THAT THE OPPRESSION IS DESERVED BECAUSE BEING GAY IS BY CHOICE; MY BEING GAY WAS ANYTHING BUT CHOICE; I REJECTED MYSELF FOR THIRTY FOUR YEARS AND DID EVERYTHING TO TRY TO BE WHAT I "SHOULD" BE. EVEN IF BEING GAY WAS BY CHOICE (which to me, is absurd), IS IT ACCEPTABLE FOR CATHOLICS TO OPPRESS THOSE WHO CHOOSE NOT TO BE? IS IT OK TO OPPRESS ANY SEGMENT OF SOCIETY SIMPLY BECAUSE ITS CHOICE IS NOT TO BE LIKE THE MAJORITY? THAT IS HOW GEORGE W. BUSH JUSTIFIES. IS IT EVEN "RIGHT" TO TELL ANYONE THAT THEY MUST BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE? WE MAY FEEL GREAT ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX AND SIMPLY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM SEXUALLY; THAT'S WRONG? COULD IT BE AS ABSURD AS SUGGESTING THAT ALL MEN "SHOULD BE" SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO BLONDES WITH BIG BOOBS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE MEN WHO LIKE LATINO WOMEN, CHINESE WOMEN?
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
THERE WERE TIMES IN MY LIFE THAT YOU THOUGHT I SHOULD GET SOME HELP. I FEARED GETTING IT BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT WOULD COME OUT OF IT. OVER THE PAST __+ YEARS, I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH WHO I ALWAYS WAS & WHO I SHOULD BE. KNOW ALSO THAT INSTEAD OF SUICIDE, I DID WHAT I DID - WHICH HAD THE SAME EFFECT. SUICIDE IS A POOR CHOICE, BUT AT THE TIME ONE CHOOSES SUICIDE, IT FEELS LIKE THE ONLY WAY. ONCE MY SUICIDE WAS CHOSEN, THE ONLY WAY FOR IT TO WORK & TO HELP OTHERS MOVE ON WAS TO LEAVE FOREVER. I FAILED AT THAT FALSE LIFE.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
In your last note, you mentioned “Fester” and I agreed. The poison must be removed.
Your poison for me is because of what I did that resulted in what’s happened over these past __ years; my poison is for what was done the prior 34. What I did, I did once – yes, with ripple effects. I did not do it against anyone. I did it to end the constant strain, pain, anger (My Mother always knew I had this pent-up anger inside…but did not know from where it emanated), and to end the life I was leading.
Again from the book I quoted before: "I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."
We would not be having this ‘dialogue’ if I had done what 10s of thousands of gay boys do in their teens – end it permanently; though I did come close three times. I have been to that point quite a number of times in my “happy life” before I ended “that life”. On the way to and including June 30, 1991, I came to that unbearable point for a final death of the me I was. Up to that point, ThatWasTheAct and what everyone believed about me, liked about me, expected of me, was hidden behind A BIG LIE/ the Act…and I couldn’t bear (no longer had the strength) to hide NOR BEAR TO EXPOSE THE LIE AND DESTROY ALL THOSE WHO LOVED THE ACT.
There is no doubt I was a troubled individual. I lived constantly knowing that my favor/position was always so precarious – knowing if it ever came out, I would embarrass the family and be disowned. Remember the many examples I mentioned that clearly showed how affections and family loyalties were totally dependent on the perception of the individual.
There is also no doubt that homosexuals are often very homophobic. Hating their sexuality/themselves because they are not like ‘everyone else’, because they have seen how others hate those who are gay and because they hate the deck of cards dealt to them.
There is no doubt this was my case for 34+ years.
Before anything more is said and before I know where all of this may lead, I do want you to know that I truly appreciate your being willing to have any form of dialogue. As this progresses, I am sure there will be much ‘poison’ that will surface and I hope that the dialogue will continue despite whatever direction the dialogue may appear to take along the way to a hopeful resolution.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
(Peg it as you will: there was a total breakdown of all I cared about and I jumped out of the window. The thing that assuredly pisses people off is where I landed. If I had splat on the pavement, most would handle it better than knowing that I did not splat; and that is exactly why I made no attempt to make contact for years and years so that those who cared for ThatWasTheAct could live in the illusion of my death and get over the me they thought they knew.) I couldn’t see that I would survive. I was not surviving in the Act. I was dying inside for 34 years with the knowledge I had that would challenge/destroy the knowledge others thought they had of me.
“Secrecy and shame” are first cousins, a former priest and psychologist tells me. “People stay as sick as their secrets are, and institutions stay as sick as their secrets are.” VANITY FAIR Magazine AUGUST 2002
No one but me has lived in my skin. No one can know what I endured, and eventually could not. I wish you could have lived small pieces of the life I lived. I lived a life that no one but me knew I lived. I confided in no one; had no one to share it with. That, in itself, can be unbearable…especially for 34 years! I feared embarrassing you…and at least I did not do that when I committed suicide of the life I was living.
If you truly want to understand pieces, seek out and talk with gay people who hid from the assured shame for many years before they came out to themselves and accepted themselves as they are: different and acceptable as full persons deserving of acceptance into the complex diversity that makes up the human race. Can you imagine for a second if something so normal (and gay IS normal) as blue eyes was unacceptable simply because it is such a recessive trait, that few have them. There are more gay people on this earth than there are people with blue eyes. Did you ever experience psychological brainwashing - that what you were was reproachful, vulgar, and repulsive? Did you ever experience resistance, oppression, rejection because you have blue eyes? Did you ever feel fear that all you built and cared for would disappear if others discovered you wore brown contact lenses to hide your blue eyes?
** * ** ** * * ** ** * * ** * * ** ** * *
From: My father's e-dress
To: ELM
Subject: response
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2007 10:00:03 -0800 (PST)
*
Thinking. Not in shape to travel. Close friend passed away Friday. More thinking to do now.
*
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---*
From: My father's e-dress
To: ELM
Subject: IS SOMETHING WRONG? Are you OK? No Message for 2+ Months.
Date: Tue, 3 Apr 2007 15:59:04 -0700 (PDT)
*
Maybe but I hope not.
*
It has been very busy here and have not had or taken the time to think and rethink this. I don't believe that I will travel out of the state any more and maybe only between here and (my summer home) unless someone else will chauffeur.
*
I think now it is time to pull the blinders. What do you want at this point in your life? I look at your brothers and sisters (and mother and daughters and sons) and wonder what they will think of me when they find out that I knew this and didn't disclose (or will it go to the grave with me.) It eats at me all the time now. I want the family to be whole and let the chips fall where they may. I have no resentment for what you did; it is now too long gone to harbor such. And I don't believe they will either. At least not your siblings. Let me know where you are (generally or specifically.)
*
So much has happened. And I think you would want to know the history and the future.
*
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---*
From: ELM
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2007 11:21 PM
To: YOU
Subject: IS SOMETHING WRONG? Are you OK? No Message for 2+ Months.
*
Dear Dad,
*
Can I call you (in private) some set time plenty in the future* so we can both confirm the exact time we will meet by phone?
*
I would like you to see me in my world to see what I always was (which is not shocking) & have become; then maybe the two of us can decide what the best 'next step' can be. Are you ailing? Do you have health concerns that would prevent you from traveling with a chauffeur?
*
It may be incomprehensible, but my love for all has never wavered. My lifelong FEARs consumed and decided fate.
*
There is a 'next step' . . . there has to be some reason for all of this. We may never agree on the reason . . . but there is one that caused life to circle back. True, I would rather have you take it to your grave than to bring harm again to those I love -- including me.
*
I promise NOT TO call you at any time other than the mutually agreed upon time* (or I can give you my number with the same understanding).
*
I have sorely missed my family connection for 16 years, my country and also my identity. A man without a family, country or identity - is a tough road. No blame . . . just the way it has been.
*
Let me know what baby-steps you'd like to take.
*
Please believe me if you will:
Love, ELM
*
THE ABOVE ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ IS THE LAST SNIPPET FROM THE EMAILS
Wilma prompted me to peer under the lid of Pandora's Box. Once the lid was cracked, I pondered the need to reconnect and many times wondered if it was best to let the sleeping dog (in this case, declared dead) lie.
It took me 50 years, 2 months and 2 weeks to be able to thank the Lord for making me the way He did – gay. I have seen the world through eyes not 'normally' afforded to a white male of good social, mental and physical standing: from the eyes of a much ostracized misunderstood minority. Because of it, I am much more accepting, understanding and appreciative of the whole spectrum of humanity.
A "chosen" minority? ― Which to me is the epitome of ignorance – why would anyone choose such a societal curse? I spent 34 years doing everything I could NOT to be. The simple fact is I AM. I had nothing to do with my being gay and after fighting what should be obvious to all, a losing battle, I eventually accepted that I was made gay.
I am at peace with myself and working toward loving myself. EVERYONE on earth would benefit if EVERYONE loved themselves – there would be little strife and all would have the capacity to truly love others.
It intrigues me how humans can be so against something until the thing they don't understand or are so against, personally touches their 'safe' harbor. One of the women I most admired and respected as a child was so adamantly against abortion until it touched her safe harbor; her high school son got a girl pregnant.Those who don't understand and choose to hate gays (for now); how would it be different if they found out someone they truly love is gay? What if they, themselves were made gay. They could choose to hate themselves (as I did) or they could accept it as a facet of the human experience they we're given to better accept all other facets.
I have been the king of beating myself up. Berating myself with: Where could I be? How different could things have been? What I should have done. I HAVE CONCLUDED, WHAT ACTUALLY DO REGRETS ACCOMPLISH? There is NO WAY to change the past. There is nothing we can do to make what did happen ― NOT happen. "How could yous?" don't change anything.
We are now in the present (knowing what occurred in the past, brought us here) and have to deal with the here and now. ALL THAT MATTERS NOW is that we are HERE. Where can we go from here? One may feel someone SHOULD pay for all this pain. We all have. It's time to stop the pay with PAIN. I've spent my life paying in wasted pain…and so have others. The purpose, and where we go from here, is to END the PAIN.
Stepping back and attempting to re-write anything is totally futile. Whether or not we like where we are, how we got here or who did what to influence why we're here is immaterial ― the simple fact is, WE ARE HERE ―and― What are we going to do NOW to head in the direction we want to go? We cannot change where we are; we can only change the direction in which we're headed from this point on. I do not want a life like the past. I want a life hopefully with you, with me as I really am. Please forgive me for my absence ― not because I deserve it; because you won't have to keep reliving it and healing will occur.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * What follows are the last few communiques prior to my return:-
----Original Message-----
* You'll never know what it is like to live your life as a lie - knowing the love you understand can be retracted immediately should you ever be discovered to be gay.
* You'll never know what it is like to live your life as a lie - knowing the love you understand can be retracted immediately should you ever be discovered to be gay.
*
