Gary Larson Depicted IT So Well...

Gary Larson Depicted IT So Well...

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Friday, June 08, 2057

To my family,

The more 'enlightened' I become, the more I am aware of the connectedness of all.

Originally, I thought a long chain of unrelated events, with the encouragement of S and
(now known) WC, brought me home. Without too much 'out-there' stuff, now, I believe it was the collective energy of all who knew I was still out there… and wanted to have me back again. Your thoughts and prayers, in conjunction with mine, met somewhere out there* and drew events and encouragement into being; causing my return.

Thank you for your part in bringing me home. I am home. It feels right. It feels good.

In Love & joy,

  * See Message to my girls in "Letters to my 'X' & Daughters"
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The number-one need IN ALL PEOPLE is acceptance.The number-one-fear IN ALL PEOPLE is rejection.

Per Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D.
This being the case, it's easy to conclude that my daughters E & K feel my decision in 1991 was an ultimate rejection of them. Is it possible to convince them that my decision in no way was a decision to reject them?

In hindsight, I can see
(though they would never want to hear) that their upbringing was not clouded with split decisions — ex-spouses differing in and implementing at-odds child rearing methods . . . court battles that would have prevented them from relocating to states chosen by their mother.

My being out-of-the-picture gave their mother full control in the directions she chose for the girls.

My decision was based on 28 years of hiding my sexuality
(from the age of six), conditioning by family-friends-society-and my extreme religious beliefs that my "leanings" were debase and reprehensible. This conditioning prompted me to conclude that I was of no value IF I "chose" to be what I knew I was inside; that I would be extradited from each of these groups (my number-one-fear – rejection). The pressure to continue with the act of "dictated normalcy" by family-friends-society-and religion became intolerable at that point in my life and I jumped through a crack in my world.

Jumping through the crack was 100% selfish in that I considered no one else's feelings, pain, suffering but my own
                                                                        After reading more, click the upper left back arrow.         
– which had become intolerable.

Once I landed in the other world, there was no plausible 'excuse' for returning to the other. As time passed, the distance for possibility widened.

The pain of the decision and miscalculated choices of my past did their number on me while I delved into 16+ years of "Why?" I never expected to return because I could not reconcile who I was with my previous world. I was sure the Bible condemned me and I could not play with the WORD to make it accept me. I was in Hell.

At the age of 50, two months and two weeks, I became acceptable — because I was made aware (positively) that God did NOT care one iota if I was gay; no more then he cares if someone has blue eyes. This opened the possibility of my return because I could now forgive myself — whom I had condemned since the age of six.
Once I successfully grasped hold of my own forgiveness, I strengthened myself in all ways to prepare myself for whatever may become upon my return. At the point I was sure I was ready for anything, I returned.

Behavior has consequences. This I know. And my return has prompted much healing and joy; while I had to be prepared for whatever — and a few of those are that my daughters, their mother, and some of my religion-friends want nothing to do with me — yet.

July 7, 2008

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I returned for completion, closure and to bring a blessed finish. My prayer is that others will keep the book open until the finish.

There is nothing that can be done to relieve what has happened — I am here now for the healing of others and myself.

I did immense penance; there were witnesses. I AM HERE to relieve pain.

I know that I deserve and expect nothing.

There are innumerable reasons for resentment. I got healthy before I returned or I couldn’t have returned. I had 16+ years to deal with my demons. I let go of the past so that it would not dictate my future
(it did take me years – now that I’ve realized how the past entraps, I see how much of my past was wasted). Life is much shorter than I previously thought. Please forgive me – for me and for you.

I can no longer . . . not exist. Let’s together, find how we can go forward without hurt.

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Now that I've been around the world on a different 'plain', I've come to realize I used to belong to the "religious wrong"'; not the religious right.

Extremists of any nature must have someone to fight. And if they find themselves without, they must find their enemy dujour.

It seems they exist to fight.

Has the religious "right" forgotten their calling?

What about existing to spread Love?

Have they become the religious "wrong"?

I used to expect the worst in people. I expected people to have an evil nature AND more often than not, I received what I expected. Expect negative and receive it. What a "wrong" way to look at things and bring upon yourself . . . all the negative power.

I reaped what I sowed - a life filled with negative energy. I blame no one for the culture/family/religion I found myself in. No one has any reason to know the person I've become nor to know that the end-result of my journey was to come out of it as a positive person who now knows:
Loving another can NEVER be wrong.

I truly like me more than I did at 34; now, for the first time, I Love myself as God intends all of us to.

No one lived the life each of us has lived and no one can say, how they would react if they had.


What I did 6200+ days ago, was horrible in many ways. For which I do not know how to satisfy anyone with an apology. I can be sentenced for as long as anyone chooses. I only hope no one will continue to suffer the sentence they impose.

What has happened since
(to each of us) we don't know — yet. I am in no position (nor authority) to exonerate myself. I did forgive myself. I had to or I could never have returned, nor become the happy person I am. I returned to prompt healing.

What I did 6200+ days ago can be replayed each day forever. If it is, re-injuring is not at my hand. No one can insist on forgiveness (nor deserves it).

I could not then
(or now) make anyone happy. Happiness is from within each person and it does not co-exist well with anger, hatred, resentment, revenge, ill-will toward anyone.

We each are not the same person we were 6200+ days ago.
I only ask that you give yourself a chance to get to know the person I am now. Then you can decide what you think.

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I spent so much wasted time trying to slay a darkness I could not . . . and what I've learned since.

Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world. And we find that we cannot. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there that we must do our work. As we address the shadow within us, we are addressing the shadow of the world.

Too often, our Love is passive; we must be proactive in our Love in order for it to change lives. We must outgrow the myth of neutrality. For in fact there is no neutral thought; all thought leads to Love or to its absence. One who is not committed to Love is surrendered to that which opposes it, opening up the door to fear as surely as one who consciously welcomes that fear.

There is so much Love in the human heart, yet hatred threatens our planet. And why? Because hatred is currently more committed than Love.

In the words of philosopher Edmund Burke, "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for enough good men to do nothing." Indeed, the forces of fear in this world are more disciplined, more courageous in a perverse kind of way, than are the forces of Love. For hatred, as we know all too well, has no problem announcing itself and its intentions to the world. Our response should not just be that we oppose hate; our response must be that we Love the world. Then and only then will Love truly triumph: when the children of God don't just feel our Love, but express our Love.

Our task is to harness the energies of Love ― to actualize its enormous power in practical and meaningful ways. Love too must announce its intentions to the world, with all the passion born of a compassionate heart. We are a species that has everything, yet what we lack is what only we can give: conviction. It is the conviction to Love that gives birth to miracles.

Every moment challenges us to rise to our highest: to choose strength over weakness, forgiveness over blame, faith over faithlessness, and Love over fear. In choosing Love, we are choosing to be healed from the forces that would hold us back. Love heals the world by healing our minds, hearts & causes.

Excerpts/paraphrased from "Everyday Grace" by Marianne Williamson